Saturday, 8th May 2021

Eleven-year-olds call summit to choose the best swear words

A COUNCIL representing Britain’s 11-year-olds has convened to ratify which swear words they will be using over the next 12 months. 

The group, made up of pre-pubescent boys from across the UK, shared all their knowledge of verbal obscenities, speculated about their meanings, and chose their official swearwords for 2019-20.

Tom Logan, representative for Devon and Cornwall, said: “It’s been a very fucking productive day.

“After a turbulent few years in underage swearing and the whole ‘tosser’ controversy, it’s been great to get together and hammer out an agreement of the words we won’t be using when our parents are around.

“‘Sod’ and ‘git’ are unlikely to make the cut – they’re for kids – but there was strong support for ‘bellend’, ‘twat’ and, in a celebration of what makes us different from the American kids we’re playing Xbox Live against, ‘fanny’.

“The C-word remains off limits, despite strong arguments from our Manchester and Glasgow members, and we’ve established an exploratory committee to find out what ‘bollocks’ is in French.”

He added: “Still no agreement on ‘wanker’. We were almost there, but then two of the council’s mums called them home for their tea.”