Eleven-year-olds call summit to choose the best swear words

A COUNCIL representing Britain’s 11-year-olds has convened to ratify which swear words they will be using over the next 12 months. 

The group, made up of pre-pubescent boys from across the UK, shared all their knowledge of verbal obscenities, speculated about their meanings, and chose their official swearwords for 2019-20.

Tom Logan, representative for Devon and Cornwall, said: “It’s been a very fucking productive day.

“After a turbulent few years in underage swearing and the whole ‘tosser’ controversy, it’s been great to get together and hammer out an agreement of the words we won’t be using when our parents are around.

“‘Sod’ and ‘git’ are unlikely to make the cut – they’re for kids – but there was strong support for ‘bellend’, ‘twat’ and, in a celebration of what makes us different from the American kids we’re playing Xbox Live against, ‘fanny’.

“The C-word remains off limits, despite strong arguments from our Manchester and Glasgow members, and we’ve established an exploratory committee to find out what ‘bollocks’ is in French.”

He added: “Still no agreement on ‘wanker’. We were almost there, but then two of the council’s mums called them home for their tea.”

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Tommy Robinson's guide to coping with rejection

LIKE a lot of renowned hard men, I have a sensitive side. And when I’m hurt, for example when I only win 2.2 per cent of the vote and lose five fucking grand, I have to know how to move on. Here’s how: 

Don’t blame yourself

When you’ve bigged yourself up as England’s greatest ever patriot and claimed you’ll be ‘walking into Brussels like Conor McGregor’ and instead sneak out of a vote count early, humiliated, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s just the voters weren’t racist enough. Work still to do.

Centre youself with a mantra

If the rejection’s stinging, repeat a little phrase like ‘I am strong, I am good, I will learn’. Or ‘I’m being censored by the liberal fascists running social media’. I can say that up to 4,000 times a day.

Take up a physical activity

The psychological benefits of exercise are proven beyond doubt. Football hooliganism is a great way of beating your woes and building your brand, and there’s always getting in an ungainly filmed scuffle after you’ve been milkshaked.


Feeling spurned and heartbroken? The unfamiliar foods, alien accents and lively customs of foreign country can really recharge your xenophobic batteries. Or just visit any British city that isn’t 100 per cent white.

Make changes in your life

Rejection can be a catalyst for change, whether it’s a new job or a new hairstyle. Personally I’m changing my name again. I think things are going to be a lot different once I’m called Ringo Rover-Mussolini.