Nigel Farage announces Tory leadership bid

NIGEL Farage has announced that he has entered the race to lead the Conservative party. 

The politician and leader of Nigel Farage vehicle Reform UK threw his hat in the ring last night and is already out-polling his five closest rivals put together.

A Tory insider said: “The rest of them may as well drop out now. Nige’s got this.

“The membership loves him, the electorate loves him, the camera loves him. Petty restrictions like ‘being the leader of a rival party’ simply melt away.

“He’s promised a good-humoured purge of the ranks, a jolly afternoon-pint NHS-privatisation and the subsequent naughty-little-fag-outside imposition of reporting restrictions and transition to martial law.”

Voter Martin Bishop said: “I seem to remember another man in charge of a minority populist party who couldn’t win elections but got made leader regardless, then things went a bit wrong.

“1930s Germany, this was. Funny looking chap, little moustache. I wish I could remember his name. Never mind, it’s probably not important.”

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Brexiters definitely not worried about losing second referendum

BREXITERS’ passionate opposition to a second referendum is definitely not because of fear they would lose, they have confirmed.  

Brexit voters agree that no referendum on the terms of leaving the EU is necessary because they would win and the last one was in no way a fluke.

Martin Bishop, from Burnley, said: “We won, that’s it, job done, no second chances, not that I’m at all concerned about another vote because I’m not.

“I know the British people and I know that, like me, they’re not going to change their minds because of little things like food and medicine shortages.

“If anything this will only strengthen resolve and return an even more overwhelming result than the previous overwhelming result, which was overwhelming.

“Which is why we shouldn’t have a vote because we’d absolutely win, so stop talking about it and if anyone does it’s treason.”

Political commentator Joseph Turner said: “Well if they’re that sure then we might as well. It would be like a victory lap.”