Deranged behaviour fails to save relationship

A COUPLE are puzzled by how their unhinged, paranoid behaviour has failed to save their troubled relationship.

Nikki Hollis and Tom Logan had decided against splitting up in favour of a relationship based on blazing rows, bizarre acts of revenge and amateur surveillance.

Hollis said: “You’ve got to work at a relationship, which is why I follow Tom home from work in my car every night in case he’s having an affair. Not many girlfriends would do that.

“And there’s never a dull moment when a minor disagreement about what to watch on TV can lead to him storming off to the pub and me scratching ‘WANKER’ on his car bonnet.

“But somehow our shared interest in being utterly mental has failed to bring us together and it’s time to move on, as soon as we meet new partners who don’t realise what a nightmare we are.”

Logan said: “It’s a shame we couldn’t make it work because deep down I really love Nikki. Why else would I log on to her email and send threatening messages to all her male friends?

“It’ll be tough because after three years we’ve got a lot of history. I’ll miss going to ‘our’ restaurant for a bitter, drunken argument that makes everyone go quiet and stare.

“I’d like to say there are no hard feelings, but naturally I’ll be making a huge banner to hang on the front of the house accusing her of sleeping around. Just for old times’ sake.”

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Big car to do 1,000mph for no f**king reason whatsoever

SOME people have designed a car that will reach 1,000mph for absolutely no reason.

It is claimed the car will help the motor industry develop new technologies even though that is obviously bullshit and they are just doing it to show off.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Okay, so it does a thousand miles per hour. Then what?

“Are they going to turn it into an ambulance? Are they going to give people like me a go in it? Are they fuck.

“It’ll probably sit in a museum so schoolboys and man-children can all stare at it like a bunch of arseholes.”

The car is known as ‘the Bloodhound’ after designers decided that giving it a name might make it seem less pointless.