Dictionaries give up and add second 'o' to 'lose'

DICTIONARIES have admitted defeat and announced that from now on ‘lose’ will be spelt ‘loose’.

The move follows the apparent inability of the entire English-speaking world to spell a simple four-letter word correctly, and is a profound humiliation for Western civilisation.

Oxford English Dictionary editor Julian Cook said: “You cannot win a battle against 300 million illiterate idiots. You can only loose.

“We’ve fought bravely to defend intellectual standards and educate people that ‘loose’ is already an actual word with a specific meaning but they weren’t having it.

“It means ‘not tight’, by the way.

“Ultimately language is owned by its users, even if they are pillocks. So from now on, ‘lose’ is spelt ‘loose’. And we are all the loosers.”

Emma Bradford of Hitchin said: “It really annoys me when people say ‘specifically’ when they actually mean ‘pacifically’. Fix that next.”


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Teenager obsessed with phone battery has f**k all worth communicating

A TEENAGER monitors his phone battery closely in case anyone should miss out on his extremely unimportant thoughts.

14-year-old Tom Logan gets anxious if his battery level dips below 80% in case the world fails to receive information like ‘Got some new Nike Air Max’ and ‘U c walking dead?? woah’.

Logan’s mum Nikki said: “You’d think he was some sort of guru or world leader sharing great wisdom with his followers. I don’t think he is.

“Yesterday he insisted on charging his phone in the car, even though it meant we couldn’t plug in the satnav. When I looked over his shoulder later he was just posting some cheesy stock image of a man with a woman looking at another woman.

“When I asked him about it he just rolled his eyes and went to his room. Was that worth us getting lost for two hours and ending up in Aldershot?”

Logan’s other important phone activities include watching other people play violent video games, making exactly the same social plans every weekend and participating in potentially fatal ‘challenges’.

Logan said: “If I hadn’t been on my phone just now I wouldn’t have found out that Liam is eating a cheeseburger.”