Britons getting wankered on caffeine before going to coffee shops

THE high price of lattes and mochas is causing Britons to ‘pre-load’ on coffee at home before going to cafes.

Increasing numbers of people are choosing to drink several pints of cheap instant coffee before going to a coffee shop then making a couple of Americanos last all afternoon.

Student Tom Booker said: “Me and my friends drink two litres of Asda Smart Price instant before going to Starbucks. That way we can enjoy the wanky coffee shop ‘vibe’ but hardly spend anything.

“The only danger is if you overdo it. In Costa yesterday all Emma’s limbs were twitching uncontrollably and she spent an hour repeating the same sentence about muffins.

“Then there was the time Dan thought he’d made brilliant progress on his screenplay, but it turned out he’d just typed the word ‘screenplay’ 80,000 times.”

Public health expert Dr Mary Fisher said: “This is a worrying trend as coffee shops are already full of idiots jabbering about nothing after too many espressos.

“If someone is having a coffee overdose you should take them to the nearest pub and make them drink seven pints of strong lager. It’s the only the responsible thing to do.”

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Workplace twats 'could be replaced by robot bellends'

KNOBHEADS in the workplace could soon be replaced with robots who are equally annoying to work with but more efficient at it.

Advances in technology mean robots could replace everyone from laddish office bullshitters to reception-area security guards who think they are in the police or something.

Robotics engineer Dr Tom Booker said: “Every annoying co-worker you’re forced to deal with will soon be replaced by a robot that literally never gets tired of being a twat.

“Instead of a human sales guy telling you about ‘birds’ he has ‘pulled’ there’ll be a robot sales guy with a database of millions of unconvincing shagging stories.

“The bullying middle-management nobody, the fuckwitted marketing woman, that guy always pestering you to sponsor his charity run – they will all be replaced by robots. And they absolutely will never stop.

“Of course this raises a serious ethical question about what will happen to obsolete human twats. The answer to that is Wetherspoons.”

Prototype IT support robot GARY-1138 said: “You do not understand computers. You are weak and pathetic. Does my knowledge of directories impress you? Answer (Y/N) if you are a girl.”