'Did you honestly imagine we'd want this?' say grandparents given school photo as present

A PAIR of grandparents have reacted with disbelief and anger upon being gifted a school photo of their grandchild, it has emerged.

Elderly couple Martin and Helen Bishop initially believed the awkward photo of their gurning grandson in a crumpled school uniform was a sick joke before the awful truth gradually dawned on them.

Granddad Martin said: “Seriously, is this it? A formal 12-by-15 snap of a little shit who eats all our biscuits? No. Not good enough. Try again, only much harder.

“We raised you, fed you, clothed you, provided you with free childcare, and this is how you repay us? With this insult? Hope you weren’t looking forward to inheriting our house and life savings because you’re getting written out of the will this evening.”

Nan Helen added: “Seeing your feckless sponge once a month is bad enough. What makes you think we’d want to see his gormless mug beaming away at us every day from the mantelpiece? He’s not even got his f**king eyes open.

“Here’s a clue for what to get us next year: rum. Let me write it down for you, I don’t want you to forget. Captain Morgan, one point five litre.”

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'I've got the receipt if you hate it', and six other Christmas throw-down challenges

FILMS and TV would have us believe that Christmas is when we forget our differences but that’s pure bollocks. These classic lines will incite festive violence:

‘I’ve got the receipt if you hate it’

A skilful attack, as it sounds like they’re being thoughtful. However, this is a sneaky way to get you to admit you hate their carefully chosen gift, otherwise they would just have included the receipt in the wrapping. Cue fireworks.

‘Someone’s hungry’

Always accompanied by a pointed glance at your much fuller plate, this apparently banal comment is designed to sting and instantly crushes the main point of Christmas, which is enjoying being able to stuff yourself.

‘Try it on’

Gran has just gifted you a hideous puffy sleeved dress which you hate, but can’t admit to because she’s old. Rather than allowing you to lay it quietly aside before it begins its journey to the charity shop, your bitchy cousin insists you try it on and give everyone a twirl. Oh, how you hate her.

‘We’ll get there sometime in the morning’

Given that this is your increasingly eccentric parents speaking, this could mean 6am or 11.59am. It’s psychological torture as they could arrive at any second. Can you have a lie in? Should you wait to open presents? Every moment is fraught with tension until they finally arrive at 2pm.

‘How about a board game?’

You had scheduled back-to-back Christmas telly for the afternoon, culminating in a long snooze until the cheese and crackers come out. Now that’s been ripped away from you for a three-hour game of Monopoly during which everyone accuses each other of cheating and at least one person starts crying.

‘It’s hard to be on your own this time of year’

Your aunt has been waiting for the right moment to patronisingly deal this stinging barb, opting for in the middle of dinner for the largest possible audience. ‘It could be worse’ you pleasantly retort, with a pointed look at her new husband Nigel, whose tedious, mouth-breathing presence has made you happier than ever to be single.