THE season of joy and giving is also a time for knobhead family members to ask insensitive questions, like these:
‘When’s the wedding?’
Hugely inappropriate no matter your relationship status. If you’re in a relationship you’ve now got to swerve the question without upsetting your partner, if you’re engaged then it’s an awkward reminder no date’s set because it’s not going well, and if you’ve made up a girlfriend it’s a prompt that you really should come out to your parents.
‘Bought a house yet?’
Ah, the one thing you want bringing up at the most expensive time of the year is that you will never own property. After all, life is nothing but a series of milestones to be passed and Christmas is a depressing, annual run-through those missed milestones so you can be admonished, like a dental check-up.
‘Are you still… you know?’
Still what? Unemployed? Vegetarian? A woman? Your family member won’t specify, but they will make a sad little wincing expression then sit back for you to guess what they’re on about. Whichever circumstance you choose to elaborate on they will zone out and mentally file away your life choice as ‘just a phase’.
‘Have you put on weight?’
It’s unacceptable to tell someone to their face they’re a fat prick. That’s why your auntie couches it as a question and leaves you to explain yes, you’ve piled on a few pounds. What do they expect? It’s Christmas. You’ve eaten your body weight in roast potatoes and Malteasers. They’ve got to go somewhere and that somewhere is your waist.
‘So, what about this [controversial topic of the day]?’
This is not polite conversation and it won’t end well. Your uncle doesn’t really give a shit about your views on Just Stop Oil or strikes or trans rights. They’re waiting for you to be wrong so they can sound off their ill-informed opinions from that morning’s GB News. This is why you see them once a year, maximum.
