Doctors Demand Concentration Camps For The Poor

DOCTORS have proposed a network of concentration camps to contain Britain's ghastly poor people.

Frustrated by their continued awfulness, the Royal College of Physicians said the poor should be herded into long barrack huts in remote areas and surrounded by a large wooden fence so that affluent, middle class children will not be able to see them.

RCP president Professor Sir Denys Finch-Hatton said: "We've tried controlling their vileness with bans and taxes, but it's not working, so eventually we thought 'fuck it, let's just round them up'.

"This way they get to smoke and drink and stab each other with screwdrivers, while the rest of us get the peace and quiet we need to order a mixed case of some of that lovely New World stuff from the Sunday Times Wine Club."

He added: "If we leave them alone they should all die out within 10 to 15 years and then we can bulldoze the camps and build luxury hotel golf complexes and riding schools."

Julian Cook, a GP from Newark, said: "You see, you're not a doctor so you don't meet many of them, but they are disgusting.

"They smell of cigarettes and cheap food and sit there with their horrible, ugly, diseased children, wheezing all over my nice cords.

"You'll be talking to one of them and all of a sudden it'll starting hacking up great gobs of phlegm. That really, harsh rasping noise, as if they're about to turn themselves inside out."

Norman Steele, a family doctor from Hatfield, said: "They all fight over the celebrity magazines while the untouched copy of National Geographic just sits there in the corner, staring at me as if to say 'let's run away together'.

"I dream that one day me and the National Geographic will get into my Audi, drive to the Cotswolds and set up home in a lovely little village full of rich, healthy people who will pay me a hundred grand a year to chat."

He added: "I really don't see why this has to be a big deal. It's just a few camps, a bit of barbed wire, maybe some dogs. No-one's talking about gassing anyone. Not at this stage."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My friend has a new girlfriend called Svetlana from Latvia, whom he apparently met online on one of those mail-order bride websites; after only a few emails she arrived in the UK to live with him. Although Svetlana always wears a rather scornful expression and never speaks, she's got a lovely pair of pins and my friend seems really happy. My wife died several years ago and I feel sometimes like I could benefit from a similar kind of friendship, especially if the woman in question will do shameful things in return for jewellery. Do you think I should give it a go?

Dear Griff,
I would be quite wary about getting in touch with random foreigners for the sake of striking up a friendship. I had a French pen friend once, called Nicholas Gailliard from Brittany. I wrote to him a few times and told him all about my family and that I have long brown hair and I wear glasses, and that I have two rabbits and a cat called Smokey. He was equally articulate in his correspondence, and so you can imagine I was quite excited to finally meet him on the day that his whole class came to visit my school. Looking back, I should have realised that he was dodgy from the beginning: the fact that he had freaky joined-up handwriting and used weird squared paper for his letters were big clues. Essentially, I ended up having to spend the whole afternoon making strained conversation with him about my sporting hobbies and the various leisure facilities in my town, while he just sat there and shrugged and said 'cool'. To make matters worse, he was wearing shell suit trousers and a Naf Naf jacket, and so any previous ideas about a long-distance French romance were swiftly quashed. If were you, I'd be very careful of embarking on this friendship unless you've first fully revised your Latvian vocab. Also, if your new pen friend ever says anything along the lines of 'j'aime bien le hip hop' you should cease all correspondence immediately.   
Hope that helps!