Men Puzzled By Debate Over Bouncy Girls

MEN across Britain continue to be puzzled by the debate over the pros and cons of bouncy girls, it emerged last night.

As the first size 16 contestant prepares for the Miss England beauty pageant, women said it was an important breakthrough while men said they could not imagine the circumstances in which this lovely big girl would be deemed unattractive.

Helen Archer, an official woman, said: "This is the culmination of years of determined struggle against a male dominated culture that enslaves women and demands they conform to a perfect ideal of sexual attractiveness."

But Nathan Muir, a completely normal person in every way from Hatfield, stressed: "What the hell are you talking about?

"She's a cracker and I can say with cast-iron certainty that if I, or any of my friends, were lucky enough to be on top of her you would need a crane to get us off."

Martin Bishop, a remarkably ordinary human from Doncaster, said: "The girl with the hips, the magnificent knockers and the warm, happy face… or the arrogant, sulky angle-poise lamp who spends half her life in the bog?

"I'll be honest, I don't listen to women all that much but from what I can gather the debate is, essentially, about attractiveness and therefore it is reasonable to assume that I, as a man, am the one who is supposed to be attracted.

"We keep saying it until we are blue in the face – for the love of god, please gain some weight because we do not want to have sex with someone who looks like a 12 year-old boy."

He added: "However, if I and my colleagues are not the target audience then I am deeply confused as to who you are trying to appeal to – unless of course you all harbour some secret desire to be seduced by Gary Glitter."


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Pete Doherty Made Of Crack, Say Police

BOHEMIAN not-singer Pete Doherty is now 98% pure crack cocaine, according to police.

Doherty's physical ingredients were discovered when two detectives reported a grandiose feeling of well-being and started singing dreadful sub-Kinks drivel shortly after questioning the Babyshambles frontman.

They were later suspended and given three months leave to sort out their head space in Marrakech.

Inspector Tom Logan said: "At present he is facing 12 years in jail for being himself.

"Many people who have listened to Down In Albion will probably say that's a picnic compared to what he really deserves."

Meanwhile the former Libertines noise-maker has run into financial difficulties maintaining 24-hour security on himself as he has a current street value of £4m.

Charlie Reeves, a middle class idiot associate of Doherty who once owned a camcorder and therefore has 'Director' printed on the business cards he had made in a motorway services machine, said: "A lot of musicians claim that their fans want a piece of them but in Pete's case it’s incredibly true.

"I remember one night we were coming out of the Good Mixer in Camden and some guy held a lighter under Pete's hand as he was hailing a taxi and started inhaling the fumes. Pete can't even bite his own fingernails now or he'll end up OD-ing again.”

Experts say the only part of Doherty still completely cocaine-free is his pork pie hat, which is made of a woven form of mephedrone, also known as 'meow-meow' or 'Top Cat'.