THE tedious but powerfully addictive BBC cooking series Masterchef is to be upgraded to a class B controlled substance, it emerged last night.
The move comes after a Swindon man chewed the flesh from his hands after his television broke just as judges Greg Wallace and John Torode were about to announce that week's quarter-finalist.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Masterchef is ostensibly just another reality cooking format where some people you'll never meet get very stressed while heating some things for the fleeting gratification of a couple of bastards.
"But just try not watching it, or worse still turning it off before the end. You'll see Gregg Wallace's big testicle-like head, goading you about your inability to deliver strong flavours.
"The hallucinations will escalate, usually culminating in a vision of Gregg and John writhing naked together in a massive sex ramekin full of evil black souffle. And the only way to make to stop is to watch more Masterchef."
He added: "I've seen children as young as six who've watched the show and are more concerned about how a mother-of-two's seemingly ill-advised fish and rabbit lasagne with a lime jus will pan out than playing with their friends. It really is appalling."
Masterchef addict Nikki Hollis said: "When I first started watching it I thought it was harmless drivel and I openly mocked former greengrocer Greg, who appeared to have little to offer except the fact that he really, really likes puddings.
"'But as soon as it was over, I wanted another one, and other. Which was just as well because it's on all the fucking time."
Recovering Masterchef user Roy Hobbs said: "It hasn't been easy but I'm through the dark times. However, I do occasionally still imagine what it would be like to kiss John Torode while Gregg Wallace looks on, lasciviously rubbing his gleaming pate and repeating the word 'laaaarvely'."
