Masterchef Upgraded To Class B Drug

THE tedious but powerfully addictive BBC cooking series Masterchef is to be upgraded to a class B controlled substance, it emerged last night.

The move comes after a Swindon man chewed the flesh from his hands after his television broke just as judges Greg Wallace and John Torode were about to announce that week's quarter-finalist.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Masterchef is ostensibly just another reality cooking format where some people you'll never meet get very stressed while heating some things for the fleeting gratification of a couple of bastards.

"But just try not watching it, or worse still turning it off before the end. You'll see Gregg Wallace's big testicle-like head, goading you about your inability to deliver strong flavours.

"The hallucinations will escalate, usually culminating in a vision of Gregg and John writhing naked together in a massive sex ramekin full of evil black souffle. And the only way to make to stop is to watch more Masterchef."

He added: "I've seen children as young as six who've watched the show and are more concerned about how a mother-of-two's seemingly ill-advised fish and rabbit lasagne with a lime jus will pan out than playing with their friends. It really is appalling."

Masterchef addict Nikki Hollis said: "When I first started watching it I thought it was harmless drivel and I openly mocked former greengrocer Greg, who appeared to have little to offer except the fact that he really, really likes puddings.

"'But as soon as it was over, I wanted another one, and other. Which was just as well because it's on all the fucking time."

Recovering Masterchef user Roy Hobbs said: "It hasn't been easy but I'm through the dark times. However, I do occasionally still imagine what it would be like to kiss John Torode while Gregg Wallace looks on, lasciviously rubbing his gleaming pate and repeating the word 'laaaarvely'."


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Cameron Foetus Will Wreck Recovery, Says Brown

THE tiny foetus growing inside the wife of Tory leader David Cameron will slash front line services and wreck Britain's fragile economic recovery, the prime minister claimed last night.

Gordon Brown said the recently fertilised egg would decimate health and education budgets, put thousands on the dole and that if you looked at it under a microscope you would see a really, really small version of Norman Tebbit.

He added: "People need to take a long hard look at this foetus and ask themselves – 'has it really changed very much in the last three or four days?'"

Labour campaign organisers were in confident mood last night insisting voters would be unimpressed by the sight of the pathetically energetic Tory leader and his horribly glowing wife alongside three hard working former cabinet ministers and a prime minister who is getting on with the job of asking for more money from the same passionate and determined trade unions that are trying to bring the country to its knees.

But while Mr Brown attacked the foetus over economic policy, sources say that privately he believes it is the co-ordinator of a new Blairite plot that includes former home secretary Charles Clarke, model Sophie Dahl and Hollywood actor Tobey Maguire who, he believes, has always resented him for being a much better Spiderman.

Meanwhile key Labour advisers including Charlie Whelan and Alistair Campbell have suggested the foetus is trying to conceal its non-domiciled tax status and secretly harbours extreme right wing views on issues like abortion and stem cell research.

Last night a Conservative spokesman stressed the pregnancy had not been timed to coincide with the election campaign and said that if the baby was a boy it would be called Winston Queen Mother Yorkshire Pudding Cameron.

He added: "And if it's a girl they're going to call it Attenborough Pizza Express Kaplinsky.

"It's a family name actually, so shut it."