Dogs refuse to recognise other dogs’ right to exist

DOGS are continuing to loudly resist the rights of other dogs to exist in the same street, park or garden as them. 

Despite international condemnation, tensions between dogs of all different breeds seem set to continue indefinitely in a grim cycle of violent yapping and straining at the lead.

Mary Fisher, chair of the Canine Truth And Reconciliation Commission, said: “The key sticking-points are rights to territorial urination, rights to sticks, and the ongoing religious dispute about who is a ‘good boy’.

“We’re currently working towards a half-million state solution, where all dogs agree to live non-violently in separation from all other dogs and angry barking is allowed only in annual ceremonial parades.

“However, every day there’s a new report of a Staffy going for a Labradoodle and we have to start again.”

She added: “The roots of the problem go back centuries. Dogs are gripped by an anti-dogite fervour and cannot understand they’re all the same under the fur.

“I fear they will never know peace.”

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England team struggling to master conversational French

THE England squad is under pressure to master the subjunctive tense before travelling to France for Euro 2016. 

While the majority of the 23-man squad can capably order a crepe and describe their hobbies to a pen-pal in French, manager Roy Hodgson fears their lack of grammatical nous will be shown up in the tournament.

He said: “It’s a young squad, and I’m not expecting them to effortlessly gender nouns after a couple of weeks together.

“But if we’re still confusing the indefinite and partive article when we take to the pitch in Marseille we’re in big trouble.

“No, Marcus, no! He’s your bloody teammate, you don’t need to use the formal form of address! Tu, for fuck’s sake, tu!”

Harry Kane said: “The pundits write us off, but I honestly believe we can correctly use any modal verb on our day and lift La Championnat d’Europe.

“Wait, I meant Le Championnat d’Europe. Shit.”