'Donate Notre Dame money to different charity' says man who has never donated to anything

A MAN who has never given money to charity has decided there are worthier causes than Notre Dame Cathedral.

Since part of the historic building was destroyed by fire, Wayne Hayes has become a self-declared expert on environmental and humanitarian issues without ever putting his hand in his pocket.

People across the world have pledged to match each donation with a bad-faith argument about why the money should be spent on something else. So far, there has been no knock-on effect for other charities.

Hayes said: “I can’t believe people are giving money to fix some building when there are people starving in the world, probably. In Ethiopia, I reckon. Is that still a thing? If I was going to give money to something, it would be something like that.”

Becoming angrier, Hayes added: “I can’t believe British people are giving money to some church in France when there are churches right here in Britain that need new roofs.

“Someone should do something about this. Not me, obviously. But someone.”

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Woman spends another morning wondering why cats are so mean to each other

A WOMAN who is meant to be working confirmed she has spent the time wondering why cats are mean to each other.

Emma Bradford admitted she often spends entire mornings at her desk pondering cat behaviour because it is much more interesting than insurance claims.

Ignoring her ringing office phone, Bradford said: “I just don’t know why they’re not nicer to each other. They have every reason to be. They’re all cats, after all.

“I’ve got two cats and just last night they were just sitting there, by the radiator, and one of them just turned around and hit the other one for nothing.”

“And the other one just took it and didn’t fight back or anything. Then they both just went back to sitting by the radiator like nothing had happened.”

“They really are strange,” added Bradford whilst checking Facebook on her phone, under her desk.