Dreadful family having loud conversations about bodily functions in public

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple spent a day out loudly asking their children whether they needed a wee or a poo in front of other people.

Martin Bishop and wife Francesca had taken their offspring Milo and Jasmine to a local museum clearly full of other families, yet seemed to think they were speaking within the privacy of their own home.

Onlooker Mary Fisher said: “I know kids have little control over these things but I’d quite like to be able to look at a dinosaur skeleton without the mental image of turds in my head.

“My kids just tell me discreetly if they need the loo, so I don’t understand why these people need to turn it into a public broadcast. The least they could do is lower their loud, annoying, middle-class voices.

“Hopefully constantly talking about their bodily functions in public will make the kids run up massive therapy bills for the parents in the future.”

However Martin Bishop said: “It’s good to be open about these things. That’s why we talked incessantly about ‘number ones and twos’ in the cafeteria.

“The man eating a sausage sandwich next to us didn’t mind, in fact he gave us a big smile. Or it might have been a nauseated grimace.”

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Reading Festival boasts 'best ever' line-up of people to throw piss at

EXCITED music fans cannot wait to decide which acts at the Reading Festival they will throw bottles of urine at.

With The 1975, The Killers and Billie Eilish headlining and a host of other wankers also playing, festival-goers are spoilt for choice over bottle-of-wee hurling.

Student Tom Booker said: “My main worry is that if I want to throw a bottle of piss at Matty Healy it will clash with throwing a bottle of piss at Brandon Flowers.

“I’ve only got a small rucksack so I didn’t bring any booze, spare clothes or drugs and just brought piss bottles instead. I love music so I want to drench as many of these twats as possible.

“I’d hate to miss an act I want throw piss at so me and my girlfriend have drawn up a tight schedule. It’s going to be lovely throwing bottles at Central Cee together.”

Accountant Norman Steele, 43, said: “Now I’m older and better off I don’t have to rough it at festivals. I’ve brought a luxury camper van with 60 bottles of chilled piss in the fridge.

“They’re all for Imagine Dragons.”

19-year-old Donna Sheridan said: “My dad gave me a bottle of piss he never got to throw at Iron Maiden in 1980. I hope Nothing But Thieves appreciate its rich rock heritage.”