'Drinksitting' to become a legitimate weekend activity

Pressure from lobbyists has forced the leisure industry to officially lift the stigma attached to sedentary intoxication.

Millions of people will spend the weekend watching a pile of bottles and cans steadily obscure the view of their television before downing a pint of water and crawling into bed some time after midnight on Sunday.

The pastime will become known as ‘drinksitting’, with The National Trust card giving discounts at over 300 off licenses around the country.

Desk occupant Nikki Hollis said: ““That bitch in accounts always looks down her nose at me when she lists her weekend itinerary of craft fairs and museums and I just mumble something about having a quiet one.

“”But this lunch break when she asks I’’m going to list all the booze I’’ve got in my fridge, and give her a pitying look when she says she has no plans for being sick down her front at 3am on Sunday morning.””

As life in the UK becomes increasingly bleak, drinksitting will become even more popular, with most Monday work conversations including the phrases ‘’they were all pissy so I just binned them’’ and ‘‘let off with a caution’’.

Hollis said: ““Next weekend I might try the bars at the National Portrait Gallery and the Barbican Centre before shotgunning some Stella in the park next to the London Eye. It’’ll be a nice day out for the kids.””

Husbands are the grown-up equivalent of boy bands

Dear Holly,

My wife has grown distant from me. I am probably being paranoid, but yesterday I caught her with the postman’s hand up her dressing gown. She claims he mistook her for a post box and was just picking up the days’ letters, but I am beginning to wonder if there isn’t something going on.

Roger,

Surrey 

Dear Roger,

From what I can tell, husbands are like the grown-up equivalent of boy bands. They are intensely appealing for about six months at most and then they quickly grow tiresome. Try to look at it from a girl’s point of view for a change. One minute you’re at a JLS gig being treated for hysteria in the Birmingham NEC medical tent; the next you are using your posters of Aston Merrygold and Co. to line the cage of Mr Bobbles your pet hamster. Ladies can’t help being fickle about men, we just like to keep our options open. The best course of action for you now is to accept defeat, occupy yourself with a substance abuse problem for a few years and then try to win the affections of your wife back when she’s a desperate middle-aged loser, lacking entirely in taste and street cred. If it can work for Take That, it can work for you.

Hope that helps!

Holly.