Driver doing 20 in a 30 briefly becomes most hated man on planet

A MAN driving at 20mph in a 30mph zone briefly joined the ranks of tyrants and mass killers as the most loathed person on earth.

Stephen Malley, 42, was going to Asda in his Skoda Fabia when he spent nearly six minutes driving 10mph below the limit, causing levels of hatred more usually found at war crime trials.

Experts believe that for a period of about two minutes, Malley surpassed infamous hate figures like Vladimir Putin, Adolf Hitler and James Corden.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, said: “The level of collective annoyance was off the scale. It’s a miracle nobody ran him off the road and fellow drivers – male and female – dragged him from his car and ripped his limbs off.

“From a scientific perspective he’s a benchmark for all future research into human anger. Jeremy Clarkson is at the low end of the scale, and he deserves to have a stick of lighted dynamite rammed up his arse.”

Malley remains oblivious to the level of fury he triggered with his painfully slow driving.

He said: “I might have been one or two miles under the limit but I don’t think anyone noticed. A bloke behind me kept beeping and flashing his lights, but that’ll be because one of my back tyres is a bit flat. Cheers, mate.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to go on your first date since the divorce: A guide for middle-aged men

BEEN single for ages but somehow miraculously got yourself a date? Follow middle-aged singleton Tom Logan’s five-point guide to making sure you don’t f**k it up.

Prepare correctly

It’s a lot of effort, but she’ll appreciate it if you’ve gone to all the trouble of having a shower. Be sure to have a good scrub-up down below – you wouldn’t want to ruin your chances of a blowjob by having a cheesy soldier on parade. Remember – Brut and Lynx Arica are no longer your friends. A squirt of Aldi own-brand deodorant down your boxers and you’re good to go.

Pimp your chatter

Women aren’t interested in how fascinating you are and, being selfish, prefer to talk about themselves. Ask about her instead and let her prattle on while you watch the football on the pub TV over her shoulder. She’ll hardly notice until it’s time for her to get her round in at half-time. She’ll think you’re such a caring, compassionate soul you’ll have a nailed-on shag.

Don’t sound disappointed she’s the same age as you

Remember, this is all about getting back in the saddle, so it’s fine if she’s not a 25-year-old blonde. Think of it as a pre-season friendly which doesn’t matter so long as you manage a bit of match practice. Get it right and you’ll be banging women young enough to be your daughter before you can say ‘Leonardo DiCaprio’.

Test the waters

It’s worth assessing the likelihood of getting laid early on before you waste too much time and effort. Try cupping her arse as you’re first standing at the bar. If she recoils in disgust or threatens to call the police, she may not be that into you, so you may as well cut your losses and leave. Dating is really just an exercise in cost-effectiveness, like a spreadsheet in the office.

Go home and have a wank

If you get nothing more than a polite peck on the f**king cheek, all is not lost. Get home, whack Pornhub on and give the leathery eel a good grapple while you can still remember what she looks like and the aroma of her perfume. It’s not your fault she turned out to be frigid.