Driving to be restricted to people aged 40 to 60

THE legal driving age is to be restricted to the 20 years of your life when you are least likely to drive like an idiot bastard.

Ministers are considering plans to raise the legal driving age to 40, before ripping the licence out of your hands on your 60th birthday.

A spokesman for the department of transport said: “By the age of 40 you should have realised that a car is simply a tool for going places. Unless of course you’re a total arsehole.

“You can then have 20 good years driving at the speed limit, indicating at roundabouts and dipping your fucking headlights when you’re supposed to.

“And after that you can get the bus instead of driving everywhere at 15 miles per hour because you’re looking for that garden centre where they do a lovely cup of tea.”

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Dacre and Rusbridger to have slap-fight after work

PAUL Dacre and Alan Rusbridger are to have a fight in the street at 6pm this evening.

The two men have been goading each other for the last week, culminating in an agreement to take it outside, as long as it is not raining.

But experts said the fight will be pathetic as both men are solidly middle class.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “They will stare at each other for a full minute, grimacing like a couple of old ladies with urinary tract infections.

“Then they will rush forwards, flapping their hands while keeping their faces turned to one side and their eyes firmly shut.”

He added: “It will probably end when Rusbridger’s glasses fall off or Dacre hears one of the voices in his head.”