Drunken mob roaming nation looking for carol service

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

Ready to fight anyone who says Mariah Carey isn’t a Christmas carol

The mob, which began at a pub in Birmingham at 11.30pm last night, has so far visited 65 empty churches, 18 primary schools, nine distribution warehouses, six hospital wards, the House of Commons and hangar 89 of Luton Airport in their fruitless search.

Bystander Donna Sheridan said: “I’d only had a few Baileys when they swept past me, dragging me in their wake, singing the first verse of ‘The Holly And The Ivy’ over and over again.

“I don’t know what came over me. Suddenly I was as deranged as them, screaming ‘Good King Wenceslas’ like a banshee at frightened passers-by, telling a man in a black coat that if he wasn’t a priest I’d glass him.

“I wandered with them for hours, our massed voices shattering windows with the loud bit in ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’, until they lost me when I was pissing in a doorway.”

Detective Inspector Tom Booker said: “The mob, currently believed to be somewhere near Coventry, will not rest until its insatiable need to sing the proper words of ‘We Three Kings’ has been quenched.

“Unfortunately most churches they stumble into have already been converted to Wetherspoons, and when they did happen upon a carol service it was during the sermon so they looted the Christingles and left.”

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Chance of Russia starting global war only 40 per cent, world reassured

GEOPOLITICAL experts believe that the danger of Russia initiating a third world war within the next few months is scarcely more than one in three.

The country’s recent currency collapse, increasing tendency to invade neighbours and leader who hears mocking voices in his head are thought to be nothing for anyone to concern themselves until February at least.

History professor Dr Mary Fisher said: “Honestly, everyone should be more worried about whether Ben Haenow makes Christmas number one.

“Yes, economic catastrophe does tend to lead to wars of unrestrained aggression, and yes in this case there is already a dictator in place, but I wouldn’t be surprised if actual formal war still hasn’t started by the new series of Game of Thrones.

Estate agent Tom Logan said: “It’s probably silly, but I had got a bit worked up that a crisis in a nuclear-weapon state led by a wounded demagogue with expansionist ambitions could mean trouble.

“But now I know that we’re safe until probably April, June at the very latest, I can really enjoy my final Christmas.”