SATAN worshipping royal bride the Duchess of Cambridge has spoken of her hopes for a progeny that will rule over a dark realm of endless evil.
The Duchess spoke to hospital patient Bill McKay about becoming the devil’s brood mare while touring a ward in Quebec City.
He said: “During the visit she asked me how my broken leg was mending and made a semi-quip along the lines of ‘I bet you’re eating a lot of grapes’. It was very pleasant.
“But then her hand brushed against my arm and images of burning cities, lakes of fire and leathery flying things with lizards’ bodies and old women’s faces filled my mind.
“Seeing my terror, she clutched my arm tightly, her eyes turned the colour of blood and she spoke with a deep, masculine voice saying that the prophecy was almost complete, the seeding would take place during a secret ritual at which the devil would enter Prince William via a prick from a black rose’s thorn.
“Nature would take its course on an obsidian slab surrounded by chanting, hooded figures and nine months later a child would be born – a being of supreme darkness that would bring Hell’s dominion to Earth.
“It would be called Arthur, or Laura-Ann if it’s a girl.”
Troubled priest Stephen Malley said: “I am convinced that beneath Kate’s public persona – basically an attractive, kindly air hostess who makes mediocre lasagnes – lurks an ancient and insidious evil.
“The Middletons are well-known practitioners of the black arts and if you add together the numerical value of the letters in the word ‘Satan’ and multiply them by 666, you get ‘Party Pieces’, the name of their website.
“You will notice that alongside the decorative ephemera, the site also sells wavy-bladed sacrificial daggers and vials of virgin’s blood.
“However putting all that aside, I did think she looked nice in the electric blue Delmia dress.”
Malley was then cut in half by a runaway train shortly after being stared at by a massive rottweiller.