Monday, 19th April 2021

Easter and the Royals - how to explain weird, outdated shit to your kids

RAISING kids is no easy task, especially when teachers are filling their heads with toxic crap about Easter being about ‘more than just eggs’. Explain it away: 

The Easter story

Your kids are happily painting eggs and gluing bunnies to hats, then a rogue teacher tries to link all that to the Bible. ‘Who is Jesus, and why can’t he stay dead?’ asks your five-year-old daughter. Stick her in front of The Mandalorian, tell her to watch for baby Yoda and say ‘This should cover it.’ It won’t, but it’ll distract her.

Royalty

Harry this, Meghan that, the big-eared one, the bald one. It’s deeply confusing even for adults. If your child ever asks why one old lady owns so many crowns, explain that all the Spice Girls are still famous and rich even though it’s been 25 years since Wannabe. Basically it’s the same thing.

Daylight savings time

When your little cherub asks ‘Why are we going to bed early but on time, and why is it sunny at night?’ you can’t say ‘because f**king farmers’ because they’re still good guys in kids’ books. Instead claim clocks get impatient in spring, then tired in autumn.

Piers Morgan

There will come a time when your child is introduced to concepts like nuclear war, genocide, erectile dysfunction and Piers Morgan. It’s best to not tackle these topics at bedtime for fear of inducing nightmares. Say ‘Yes, self-inflated pustules of hyperbolic fear and impotent rage exist, some of them are awarded TV shows and some become president, but they are always defeated in the end.’

Long division

You’re on your own with this one.