Wednesday, 19th February 2020

Elaborate sexual fantasy gets too elaborate

A MAN’S elaborate sexual fantasy has become too elaborate to be manageable, he has admitted. 

Nathan Muir has been adding to the fantasy wank-by-wank since early October and can now barely remember who half the women are or what he is meant to be doing.

He said: “It began with my sister-in-law, as is normal for all married men, and moved through her to that mate of hers who comes to parties, at which point on a whim I threw my ex-girlfriend into the mix.

“That developed into a whole harem fantasy and I was adding girls right and left – her from the school run, Emily Ratajkowski, that nice piece who did the sexual harassment presentation at work – not even keeping count.

“Next thing I know, I’m imagining I’m in some kind of Las Vegas penthouse with an entire floor full of women at my beck and call me but it’s all become so sprawling and generic it doesn’t excite me in the least any more.

“This is what being Leonardo DiCaprio must be like. I don’t envy him.”

Muir added: “I’m going back to basics. Get This Morning on.”