THE ELF on the shelf, who watches children to ensure they are being good for Santa, is also reporting what their parents get up to.
As well as filing daily reports to the North Pole detailing whether childrens’ behaviour means they deserve presents, the elf is monitoring adults’ bad habits for its own amusement.
Elf Tom Logan said: “The kids are right little shits – two days into December, and they’re down to a tub of felts and a pirate Lego – but you can see where they get it from.
“He’s watching porn on the iPad as soon as the room’s empty for five minutes.
“Meanwhile she’s back on the fags as well as vaping and that’s no spa weekend with the girls she’s going on. Not unless the girls are called Federico.
“They’re knocking back three bottles of vino a night, they’ve ordered two grams of coke for the weekend and I swear I saw her swigging Bailey’s before the school run.
“I have to admit, I’m hooked. This is better than True Detective.”