Elf on the shelf also judging adults

THE ELF on the shelf, who watches children to ensure they are being good for Santa, is also reporting what their parents get up to.

As well as filing daily reports to the North Pole detailing whether childrens’ behaviour means they deserve presents, the elf is monitoring adults’ bad habits for its own amusement.

Elf Tom Logan said: “The kids are right little shits – two days into December, and they’re down to a tub of felts and a pirate Lego – but you can see where they get it from.

“He’s watching porn on the iPad as soon as the room’s empty for five minutes.

“Meanwhile she’s back on the fags as well as vaping and that’s no spa weekend with the girls she’s going on. Not unless the girls are called Federico.

“They’re knocking back three bottles of vino a night, they’ve ordered two grams of coke for the weekend and I swear I saw her swigging Bailey’s before the school run.

“I have to admit, I’m hooked. This is better than True Detective.


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Britons prepare for war with brief chat at work

BRITONS are preparing for air strikes in Syria with a short, non-committal discussion at work.

The public is bracing itself for more conflict in the Middle East by discussing it briefly without saying anything too controversial then getting on with some emails.

Administrator Tom Logan said: “This morning the office was buzzing. That’s because they’ve just installed a new vending machine, but Syria was mentioned briefly after Yvonne had bought a Twix.

“Gavin said ‘Looks like bombing then’, and I said ‘Yeah’ and Shelley went ‘Mmm’ and made a tutting noise. I think she was expressing her sadness at mankind’s inability to live in peace, or maybe her computer had crashed again.

Middle manager Nikki Hollis said: “My office had quite an involved discussion for at least a minute. Our conclusion was that bombing is bad but ISIS are horrible.

“We’d probably have discussed it at more length if we thought the government was in the least bit interested in what we think. Also the sandwich man had just arrived.”

Other war preparations included studying a diagram of a Tornado bomber in Metro during lunch, finding out where Syria is on Google Maps, and hoping someone has thought all this through.