Energy bills to clearly state how you're being exploited

NEW rules require all energy bills to explain in full detail how customers are being ripped off.

Clearly-labelled charges on the new bills include Standing Charge, Handling Charge, Fake Handling Charge, Lying Charge, Lying To Government Charge and We Didn’t Think You’d Notice This Charge.

A typical bill will begin with the words Dear Hapless Masses, and then state exactly how much of the money you pay is spent on organic veal for the chief executive’s dog to eat.

A spokesman for industry watchdog OFGEM said: “Everyone knows they’re having hundreds of pounds a year flat-out stolen from them by their energy provider, but it can be very difficult to work out what that money is being spent on.

“The new billing system has a pie chart to show exactly what percentage of your annual bill goes to escort services, how much goes directly to Vladimir Putin and how much is simply pissed away.”

Norman Steele of Warrington said: “Apparently £26.25 of my annual bill was spent on containing nuclear leaks, and £267.85 was spent on covering up nuclear leaks. Which obviously I’m fine with.

“But it says here that 21 per cent of my bill goes on paying shady heavily-armed mercenaries to guard oil and gas supplies.

“It’s a bloody outrage. I mean, that’s what I pay my taxes for.”

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My husband was a complete bastard to Kathleen Turner

Dear Holly,

I’m having a bit of marriage trouble and at first I was blaming myself, but now I’ve decided it’s all my husband’s fault. He wants everyone to think he’s like the swashbuckling rogue from Romancing the Stone, but these days he’s more like the mentalist from Falling Down. If you don’t believe me, watch forgotten 80s romp, The War of the Roses. He’s a complete bastard to poor old Kathleen Turner; poisoning his beloved dog was a coup for women’s rights if you ask me. 


Swansea / LA

Dear Catherine,

It’s good to hear from another advocate of feminism, because votes for women are at an all time low in my school. It seems that trying to incorporate some twerking into our annual harvest festival was a bad idea. Thankfully the vicar has agreed to come back and see a revised version, minus the suggestive squatting movements and provocative jiggling, when we’ve all had a chance to reflect on the incident.

Hope that helps,