England on fire as dragons take their revenge

TOWNS and villages across England are ablaze after giant dragons chose St George’s Day to avenge their murdered comrade.

The fire-breathing lizards with wings emerged from their caves at sunrise and swept down on unsuspecting communities, setting light to roofs, cars and thousands and thousands of people.

Jane Thompson, who was running for her life in Peterborough, said: “Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell is happening? Where is the army? WHERE THE FUCK IS THE ARMY?

She added: “The funny thing is we needed the roof redone anyway. So at least now we can claim it on the insurance.”

Thompson was then incinerated by a searing jet of sulphurous flame that seemed to come from the very pits of hell.

Martin Bishop, a 417 year-old dragon from Salisbury, said: “The fact is that dragon was on its way home after a hard day’s work helping humans and St George, who had been accused of sexual harassment, needed a distraction.

“So he accuses this innocent dragon of eating a baby and then executes it in broad daylight as everyone stands around and cheers him on like he’s some kind of bloody hero.”

Bishop added: “And yet you continue to idolise this monster. How would you like it if we celebrated Saint Hitler’s Day every year? Because that’s basically what you’re doing. It’s incredibly offensive.

“Anyway, I guess this year it all got too much, what with the economy and everything.

“Have you been watching Game of Thrones? It’s quite good, isn’t it?”

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Kate wins over Australia with anti-Kiwi racism

THE Duchess of Cambridge has been taken to Australian hearts after a series of increasingly racist comments about New Zealand.

Kate has made headlines across the continent by charmingly insulting Kiwis as lazy, backwards farmers who punch themselves in the face when trying to tell the time.

Australian journalist Eleanor Shaw said: “From the moment she touched down, and remarked how wonderful it was to be in a country where sheep at least get bought a drink before sex, Oz has fallen in love with Kate.

“Her Kiwi impression – a pinched face and a whining voice demanding a slice of lolly cake – has turned ten thousand republicans into royalists.

“And when she told the Prime Minister that the haka is just how New Zealanders take a dump because their toilet seats are too filthy to touch, we were delighted.

“She’s really winning hearts and minds.”

The Duchess has also taken time to viciously disparage Dame Kiri te Kanawa, the band Crowded House, all flightless birds and Radio 1’s Zane Lowe.

Nathan Muir of Melbourne said: “She was so warm and friendly, especially when she told me that Shortland Street isn’t fit to wipe the arse of Neighbours.

“But when they thought I’d left the room, I’m sure I heard her say ‘Throw another shrimp on the barbie, Bruce, ya roo-fuckin’ convict.’

“I didn’t know she was part Australian.”