Weather ruins bank holiday traffic jams

BRITAIN’S traditional Easter traffic jams have been blighted by heavy rain for the third successive year.

Hard-working families who spend all winter dreaming of being trapped in a boiling car on the M4 for eight hours saw their dreams ruined.

Stephen Malley, from Richmond, said: “The kids have been looking forward to this for ages and we’d got everything in – melting chocolate, scribbled-in activity books, the third CD of a Lee Child audiobook stuck in the stereo.

“A few hours of that and we’d have been avoiding each other for the rest of the year, but instead the relentless drumming of rain on the roof while we were warm and dry raised all our spirits.

“I tried to bring the rancour back with a game of I-Spy, but visibility was so low we couldn’t even get in a good argument about that.

“The family ended up getting on really well and planning more days out. It was an absolute disaster.”

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Blur-Oasis rivalry reignited over sheds

OASIS founder Noel Gallagher has launched a scathing attack on garden sheds belonging to Damon Albarn and other members of Blur.

Gallagher restarted the notorious Oasis-Blur spat of the 1990s after he described Albarn’s 6×8’ shiplap wooden shed from B&Q as “shite”.

Gallagher said: “It’s exactly the sort of twee little shed you’d expect from a middle-class ponce like Albarn. I doubt there’s even enough room for all his gardening tools once he’s put the kids’ bikes in.

“I’ve got a 10×12’ steel frame shed which combines a wood-effect finish with the security of a metal shed, so stick that up your arse, Albarn.”

Gallagher also criticised Graham Coxon’s 4×3’ windowless shed as “not worth the trouble of putting up”, and said he hoped Alex James’ collection of large farming sheds “got shed AIDS”.