Escape from Leicester – have you got what it takes? Play our game

LEICESTER is no longer a city – it is a prison. But have you got what it takes to make it out? 

You are a resident of Eyres Monsall who was looking forward to visiting the pub on Saturday. What do you do? 

A) Use burnt cork to disguise yourself with a handlebar moustache, then crawl through undergrowth to a lorry park. Cling onto the bottom of a truck past roadblocks until over the county border, then use fake papers to gain access to a pub.
B) Drive to Hinckley and go the pub there.

You live in Wigston, and wanted to go to the shops to buy a new outfit this weekend. What do you do? 

A) Dismantle your shed under cover of darkness and sneak it up to the loft. Use the wood along with some old bedsheets to build a glider, wait for a moonless night with favourable winds and fly west to the sea.
B) Drive to Market Harborough and go to the shops there.

Evington, in the city of Leicester, is where you hang your hat, but this weekend you were hoping to visit pals over in Kibworth Beauchamp. What do you do? 

A) Create a papier-mache replica of yourself to fool the guards, then dig a 8.6 mile long tunnel, roughly following the route of the A6, to the rural village that is your only hope of freedom.
B) Get the half-hourly X7 bus to Kibworth Beauchamp.


Mostly As: You almost make it but are caught by the government’s roving search-and-destroy teams and exposed as a local when you accidentally call a bread roll a ‘cob’. You are arrested and interned for life in HMP Leicester.

Mostly Bs: The government doesn’t do anything but say these things and expect them to happen. You’re fine.

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Younger brother dreams of one day playing PlayStation with the good controller

A NINE-YEAR-OLD has admitted that he dreams of one day playing videogames with an actual official, functioning controller. 

Despite nominally co-owning the PlayStation 4 with older brother Freddie, eight-year-old Joshua Hudson has yet to experience it with an controller that works properly.

He said: “Freddie claimed the controller on Christmas Day, 2017, and said if I ever touched it he’d give me a dead arm. And he’s been true to that promise.

“Instead I have the KraziePlay3010, which is banned in the UK. Mum got it from China. It’s green, on a wire, missing two buttons and has about a half-second lag.

“It continually goes a bit left so you have to hold the joystick always slightly to the right, the circle button gets stuck down so you have to bang it on the table, and the left trigger only works when you pull the right one as well.

“I think this is why I never win on Rocket League and FIFA but Freddie says it’s because I’m crap and the controller’s got nothing to do with it.

“I just want to try it, once, to play Lego Marvel 2 the way the makers intended. But he hides it on a high shelf. Arsehole.”