LEICESTER is no longer a city – it is a prison. But have you got what it takes to make it out?
You are a resident of Eyres Monsall who was looking forward to visiting the pub on Saturday. What do you do?
A) Use burnt cork to disguise yourself with a handlebar moustache, then crawl through undergrowth to a lorry park. Cling onto the bottom of a truck past roadblocks until over the county border, then use fake papers to gain access to a pub.
B) Drive to Hinckley and go the pub there.
You live in Wigston, and wanted to go to the shops to buy a new outfit this weekend. What do you do?
A) Dismantle your shed under cover of darkness and sneak it up to the loft. Use the wood along with some old bedsheets to build a glider, wait for a moonless night with favourable winds and fly west to the sea.
B) Drive to Market Harborough and go to the shops there.
Evington, in the city of Leicester, is where you hang your hat, but this weekend you were hoping to visit pals over in Kibworth Beauchamp. What do you do?
A) Create a papier-mache replica of yourself to fool the guards, then dig a 8.6 mile long tunnel, roughly following the route of the A6, to the rural village that is your only hope of freedom.
B) Get the half-hourly X7 bus to Kibworth Beauchamp.
DID YOU SURVIVE?
Mostly As: You almost make it but are caught by the government’s roving search-and-destroy teams and exposed as a local when you accidentally call a bread roll a ‘cob’. You are arrested and interned for life in HMP Leicester.
Mostly Bs: The government doesn’t do anything but say these things and expect them to happen. You’re fine.