Eton must be shit, everyone concludes

THE UK has concluded that, based on Boris Johnson and other Old Etonians, the supposedly elite school is actually turning out thick twats. 

The prime minister’s constant, chilling idiocy has proved that, far from being a standard-setting educational establishment, Eton just sticks them in front of videos until it’s time to go to Oxford.

Joanna Kramer of Nuneaton said: “David Cameron. Boris Johnson. If that’s the cream of the crop, I’d hate to see the dregs.

“Danny Hibbert in my form was so stupid he ate glue, but he wouldn’t have let a man into his house to use the toilet at 5am like Oliver Letwin did. And we let him run the Cabinet.

“For years we’ve believed Eton produced the best and brightest, but it’s become clear it actually produces people convinced they’re bright while unable to work out why running head-first into brick walls hurts.

“It’s okay for the Royals, they’re meant to be thick, and I suppose we need posh actors to be villains in films, but anyone else with Eton on their CV should be barred from employment.”

Kids 'only want to go outside when it's f**king freezing'

CHILDREN are only interested in going outdoors when it is incredibly cold, it has emerged.

Researchers found that children were content to watch telly or dick about on tablets until the temperature falls below freezing.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “They’ll pretend it’s because they want to go sledging or have a snowball fight. Actually though they’re just little tossers who like to see adults suffer.”

Seven-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I’m off school and now I need some adults to immediately take me out into the frozen tundra to ‘play’.

“And if you don’t take me outside I’ll make you feel terribly guilty by suddenly ballooning to 12 stone like some sort of jungle toad.”