European tour group being shown around your house

A GROUP of 20 European teenagers with backpacks is currently being given a guided tour of your home. 

The teenagers, who speak an unfamiliar language and appear completely disinterested in their surroundings, are in every room of your house taking selfies. 

Tom Booker of Chester said: “I heard the door and before I knew it they were everywhere, opening my kitchen cupboards while talking incomprehensibly about something else. 

“The guide is in our spare bedroom – she uses the occasional English word like ‘armistice’ or ‘monastery reformations’ – but I can’t reach her because there’s a pair of Europeans munching garlic sausage and Tuc crackers on every stair. 

“I can’t use the loo because there’s a couple making out in there, silently watched by her sullen friend. 

“And in the hall there’s a lad wearing my hat and coat and doing twirls, but none of the rest are betraying any reaction. They’re all just on their phones.”

Tourist Elina Naumova said: “House is British history story, like the war.

“Is shit. We go Disney Store after.”

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Grandad rings up for help deleting his Ashley Madison profile

YOUR grandfather has phoned up to get help deleting his profile from hacked sex contacts site Ashley Madison.

The 81-year-old recently bought a computer after mastering basic internet skills at an evening class called ‘Introduction to Computing’.

He said: “I just pressed a load of buttons and before I knew it I had set up something under the name ‘silver_fox_30’ and entered my credit card details.

“It’s all a bit of a mix up, I was only trying to buy a book about diesel trains off Amazon.

“Of course I immediately tried to delete it all which is how I accidentally filled out the sections saying I was ‘open to tantric sex’ and ‘experimenting with sensual massage’.

“You know I get a bit confused these days. Now I just want to get rid of it all, and also some photos on the hard drive that aren’t relevant any more.

“They’re just of some historic buildings, your nan doesn’t need to see them.”