Hard left actually a retired teacher with a duffle coat

BRITAIN’S hard left consists of a 67 year-old former teacher who likes to collect different types of tea.

After claims the hard left was infiltrating the Labour Party, it now appears that the main threat to the capitalist system is ageing Marxist and keen gardener Martin Bishop.

Bishop said: “I strongly believe in the overthrow of the parasitic capitalist class, but ideally not on a Wednesday because that’s when I go to my over-60s Zumba class.

“The proletariat will inevitably rise up and take control of the means of production using force if necessary, but I won’t be manning the barricades myself due to prostate issues.

“Also I’m not in favour of shooting policemen because although they are agents of class oppression they did help me find my missing cat, Trotsky.”

Bishop has now been placed under surveillance in case he returns to earlier revolutionary activities such as carrying an ‘If the Tories get up your nose, picket!’ placard during an NUT strike in 1981.

An MI5 source said: “Hobbs may appear harmless but he could easily join the Labour party and vote for hardline Stalinist policies like cheaper train fares.”

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Neighbour celebrates 10 years of hammering the shit out of something

NEIGHBOURS of a man in Stevenage have confirmed that Roy Hobbs has completed 10 years of hammering the absolute shit out of something in his house.

Hobbs’ neighbours said he has been hammering pretty much all day, everyday without anybody knowing exactly what it is he is hammering.

Stephen Malley said: “We moved here 10 years ago. And he was hammering the shit out of something then and he’s still hammering the shit out of it now.”

Nikki Hollis, Hobbs’ neighbour on the other side,  said, “You’d think he was building a fucking ark in there.

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice bloke who always says ‘hello’ and that. He’s just always hammering the shit out of something.”

Tom Booker who lives at the back of Hobbs added: “I saw him come into the garden one day and I asked him how the carpentry was coming along.

“He gave me this puzzled look, as if I’d asked him how his BBC Christmas extravaganza was coming along.

“Thirty seconds later the hammering started up again.”