Ever fancied driving a train? Want to drive one today? Go for it!

By the government

ONCE again the union barons are holding us to ransom, dragging us back to the 1970s with their Marxist demands. If you feel as disgusted as we do, here’s how you can help.

Ever fancied driving a train? Let us, the government, give you the chance. Don’t worry, it’s like riding a bike, except it weighs 200 tonnes and can easily cause hundreds of deaths.

It’s piss-easy – you push the lever forward when you go, you pull it back to stop. That’s it. ‘£52,000 a year for this?’ you’re thinking. We know, we know.

Sure, they say you should train for two years because it’s ‘dangerous’ if you’re not fully qualified, but that’s just the Health and Safety gnomes gone mad. Britain used to lead the world in industrial accidents. Now look at us, wetting our petticoats over a little multiple derailment.

But you’re not. And for a cool £9.50 an hour you’ll test yourself to the limit, like the badass muthaf**ker you are.

Don’t be put off by Mick ‘Thunderbird Puppet’ Lynch. Train driving isn’t about boring union meetings and checking oil levels, it’s about the thrill. Ignore signals, it’s more exciting that way. Plus they’re all broken these days. Push the lever to the max and plough on to Charing Cross. Just remember to stop. It’s easy – you’ll see the far wall of the terminal rushing toward you at 125mph.

Yes, there will be fatalities but as with Covid we have to take that on the chin for the sake of the economy. Is Maverick in Top Gun 2 scared of death? No. And that’s how you should see yourself – as a fictional, risk-taking fighter pilot.

So what are you waiting for? A train? It’s waiting for you, mate, you’re the driver!

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Zelensky knows who's ringing before even looking at phone

PRESIDENT Zelensky, who has just noted the UK by-election results on international news, knows exactly who this is calling on the phone.

The leader of Ukraine, who is largely focused on Russian advances around Severodonetsk, saw a brief summary of the results on CNN, and sighed in anticipation of the conversation he would soon be having.

He said: “I shouldn’t complain. We’ll probably get another 500 anti-tank missiles out of it. But God damn is it predictable.

“The moment he’s in big trouble, and I’ve got to say that appears to be at least once a fortnight, he is on the phone. He was here in person a week ago. So I don’t think it’s helping.

“I have a war going on here. The fighting is brutal. My country is being devastated. Last time I had to very firmly say that I would not be able to take ‘a few days off’ to attend the Conservative party conference in October.

“See? My phone’s ringing now. I promise you I don’t even have to look at caller ID. It can only be one guy. Sorry, I’d better take this.

“Hi, is Zelensky. Boris, old chum! What a surprise it is you calling! How is life in the UK?”