Every airport in world currently hosting World's Most Obnoxious Bastard competition

EVERY airport is currently holding a competition to find the most obnoxious bastard in the world, it has emerged.

Airports across the globe all now have their contenders for the Most Obnoxious Bastard You Could Ever Hope to Encounter 2017, with the finals taking place at Heathrow on December 24.

Scottish contender Bill McKay said: “I have a very important meeting tomorrow morning so if everyone could just accept that my needs are greater than theirs than that would be just fucking peachy.”

English airport prick Martin Bishop said: “I could have you fired for this, you know. I could.

“I once played badminton with the guy who runs Ryanairso all it would take is one phone call and you’re gone.”

Meanwhile American Emma Bradford exclaimed loudly into her phone: “No, it’s an absolute fucking joke and all these people are total fucking morons.

“Give me coffee immediately, even if your job does not involve vending hot drinks.”

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Harry and Meghan’s first royal visit ends prematurely after he accidentally kills someone

PRINCE Harry and fianceé Meghan Markle’s first royal engagement has ended early after he accidentally killed a member of the cheering crowd.  

The much-anticipated walkabout in Nottingham was going well until Harry, seemingly accidentally, took the hand of a delighted pensioner and, instead of a traditional handshake, dislocated her arm while headbutting her in the face.

The horrified prince then vaulted the barrier to help but accidentally leapt on top of the Union Jack-waving octagenarian, before planting his foot firmly on her fragile neck.

Onlooker Susan Traherne said: “I can only assume Harry’s military training kicked in unexpectedly, causing him to use lethal force rather than just meet-and-greet, but he was very polite and apologetic so I hope the press don’t make too much of a fuss about it.

“And people say it’s an easy job. Evidently not!”

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving said: “It was marvellous, just marvellous. Such an occasion.”