Every Leave voter to have a lorry parked on their driveway

EVERY Brexiter will be expected to host a lorry on their drive or front lawn to help Kent deal with the 7,000-strong queues expected after the transition period.

The government believes Leave voters will be pleased to do their patriotic duty by allowing a 45-tonne heavy goods vehicle to park on their property while waiting to cross the channel.

A spokesman said: “Brexiters knew exactly what they were voting for so we presume they’ll be happy to find a truck full of aircraft parts parked right outside their front door.

“Sadly their perennials will be trashed and they’ll have to squeeze down the side of a filthy lorry to go to the shops, but that will be the least of their worries, what with the lack of trade deals and everything.

“We also hope they’ll be happy to invite the driver inside to use the loo, otherwise they’ll probably find several bottles of urine and a poo in their hedge.”

Leaver Norman Steele said: “They can crash it through the living room window and crush me to death if it annoys the anti-British Remain traitors next door.”

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Six films to make you count your blessings about lockdown, or whatever

LOCKDOWN 2 is here, promising to be as good as Ghostbusters 2. These six movies should make you realise being stuck at home again isn’t so bad. Or not:

A Quiet Place

A family have to live silently in a cellar or be torn limb-from-limb by alien monsters with sensitive hearing. Emily Blunt has to give birth without a sound. Working from home for months can grind you down, but it’s pretty chilled compared to this.

The Great Escape

Being incarcerated in the house can feel like Stalag Luft, with family members much less cool than Steve McQueen. But you can leave the front garden without being machine-gunned, and it won’t last six years. Unless the government still can’t sort test-and-trace which is a distinct possibility.

The Shawshank Redemption

There’s a curfew on pubs and you can’t meet friends, but Andy Dufresne is wrongly serving life for murder while stalked by rapists. Relatively speaking, being surrounded by idiots failing to socially distance in Asda is a joyful experience you should treasure forever.

Buried Alive

This horror film has a positive message in these turbulent times: even if lockdown is making you feel claustrophobic, it’s not as bad as waking up buried in a coffin. Guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

I Am Legend

At least you don’t have to live in a heavily fortified apartment to avoid mutants. Although after another six months of lockdown, solo flat-dwellers may feel like the last human alive and be craving death-by-poorly-animated-zombie.

1984

Whatever new restrictions come in, they won’t be as oppressive as Orwell’s no-sex surveillance dystopia. It’s also unlikely that Covid marshals will be allowed to put a cage of rats over your head, though it’s going through Michael Gove’s head every minute of every day.

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