Sunday, 1st November 2020

The things about Britain's shit trains that won't be changing, by Grant Shapps

RAIL franchises are being scrapped, but rest assured you’ll still be getting the shitehouse train service that is every Briton’s birthright. These things won’t change:

Standing up

Whether on a packed commuter train or your regular London to Doncaster, standing up for an entire journey you’ve paid the highest prices in Europe for is part of the Great British Railway Experience. Ideal for anyone suffering calf pain or frotterers.

Rip-off prices

I’ve pledged to make the ticket system less confusing by eliminating all those baffling lower prices and moving to a standard minimum fare of £40, whatever the journey. Peak-time singles will remain a jaw-dropping £279. I am cunning like a fox.

Feeble excuses

You’ll still be grinding your teeth in fury when you’re stuck for an hour in Birmingham because a driver hasn’t arrived, and you’ll still get laughable service announcements like ‘The train is delayed because earlier trains were delayed.’ Shortly followed by blanket cancellations.

Vile chicken sandwiches

The signature dish of the train journey is a disgusting chicken sandwich. Served cold and tasting largely of cold, the soggy bread is garnished with thin mayonnaise that resembles spunk, but with less flavour.

Bellend passengers

I give my word that there will be even fewer guards to deal with bellends playing music without headphones, letting some sort of pit bull wander around the carriage, or trying to chat up female passengers unfortunate enough to sit next to them.