Why Bake Off is all that stands between me and full mental breakdown

by nail technician Nikki Hollis

IF I had been told, back when this started, that in September I’d be looking at another six months of this shit, I’d have choked myself to death on my own freshly-baked banana bread.

Sadly I didn’t have the foresight. And now, like everyone else, I’m facing winter without the good bits like getting twatted in a pub with an open fire and spending December being so sociable that come Christmas itself I’m on my 25th day of a hangover.

So this year, I’m giving full responsibility for my sanity to The Great British Bake Off. For the next ten weeks, that’s where I live. The rest of the world is an illusion. Only the warm, cuddly world of the tent is real.

Watching someone make a cake under modest time pressure is my battle against coronavirus. Seeing a pie crust fail to rise is my disastrous test-and-trace. A roulade that wouldn’t rise dashed in fury on the floor is my Boris Johnson.

Yes I would have preferred Sandi Toksvig, but given that we’re constantly stalked by the spectre of death and the country is a political bin fire under the part-time control of an halfwit, I’ll settle for Matt Lucas.

Until November, I’m immersing myself in gentle sugary nonsense. After that I’ll tool up and get ready for Brexit, where we’ll be clubbing each other to death in Tesco over the last loaf of bread. Like the last lockdown, but without the novelty value.

But right now all I care about is whether Paul Hollywood approves of a soufflé. I’ll go full-on howling insane after. There’ll be plenty of time.

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Government launches 'Get Shitfaced at 11am to Help Out' scheme

THE government has countered its pub curfew by launching the ‘Get Shitfaced at 10am to Help Out’ scheme to support hostelries. 

As pubs claim they will suffer financially from being forced to close an hour early, citizens are being urged to get on the beers straight after breakfast to save the economy.

Business secretary Alok Sharma said: “We’re calling on the nation to come together and do what it does best: get pissed.

“We’ll show coronavirus that it can’t bring the alcohol-fuelled British economy to a halt just by threatening to kill us.

“We’re going to carry on pouring money into Wetherspoons’ tills by getting bevved up in an enclosed space, regardless of curfews, public health guidance and basic common sense. Just earlier in the day.”

The new scheme will foot half the bill for any Briton who downs eight units between 11am and 12pm, and provide an informative leaflet on how to hide drunkeness on afternoon video calls with the boss.

Sharma continued: “Do your patriotic duty and get pissed. This has nothing to do with us wanting you hammered enough not to notice how bad we are at running the country.”