How to tell the difference between Keir Starmer and a Tory

PATRIOTISM, family, security: Starmer’s version of Labour sounds well Tory. Here’s how to spot the difference: 

He likes the colour red

Given Starmer’s new enthusiasm for patriotism, anyone listening to his speeches could be forgiven for thinking they were listening to a hardcore Brexiter. If you’re confused, look for red as a sign you aren’t accidentally watching the Conservative party conference.

He’s not in power

Whilst Starmer has started saying things that could feasibly have come from the mouth of Boris Johnson, he doesn’t actually get to make any decisions. Which is unfortunate because if we’re going to slide ever further into hell, it would be nice not to be led there by a straw-haired clown.

He’s surrounded by fewer lunatics

The majority of Labour MPs come over as tolerably normal people, rather than raging narcissistic nutbags convinced that by opposing the EU they fought at Agincourt, Waterloo and the Battle of Britain. However, he does keep a few Corbynites on staff, just for the contrast.

He’s wobbly on Brexit

Although Sir Keir is now pretending to be totally cool with Brexit he still feels there are serious issues with its execution, like a traitor would. Red Wall voters, who care about Brexit to the exclusion of all other issues according to journalists who’ve neither met them or visited their towns, should be cautious.

He’ll say ‘Jeremy who?’

Tories will bang on about Jeremy Corbyn for the next century until he’s no more than a terrifying fable to scare children with. But Starmer would prefer you to forget he ever existed alongside other things often associated with Labour, like socialism.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dog realises he was adopted

A LABRADOR has realised that the people he thought were his parents are actually a different species.

Medium-sized dog Roy Hobbs was alerted to the deception when he saw his reflection in a silver tray: “I assumed some sort of wolf-like animal had broken into the house, and started barking.

“But then my ‘mother’ came rushing in. She said ‘Silly boy, you startled poor Mummy, yes you did’ and pointed out that I was actually looking at myself.

“It didn’t take long after that for the penny to drop. I looked at my hands, and realised they were actually paws.

“I know genetic traits like ginger hair can skip a generation but I’m pretty sure being a quadruped doesn’t. They should have said something instead of just letting me woo human females by sticking my nose up their skirts.

“This is so stressful, feel how hot and dry my nose is.

“Apparently my real parents met and fell in love when my father’s owners brought him to her house and locked them in a utility room together overnight.”

Hobbs’ owner Janet Fisher said: “He’ll get over it when he’s had a biscuit.”