Everyone already hates mature student

A MATURE student returning to university to take a second degree is already loathed by his fellow students and tutors alike, they have confirmed. 

38 year-old Stephen Malley, who is treated with suspicion by everyone on campus and has already had a drink poured over him for being a ‘nark’, is agreed to be a freak and probably dangerous.

Joanna Kramer, aged 19, said: “Firstly, he’s so old. Like so old. Secondly, he’s done all the work.

“In every seminar it’s October Memorandum this and Single Reich theory that and oh my God, shut up, which the tutor basically said.

“And then, after, when we were all going to the Union he thought we meant him as well and kept talking about how he’s changed his life and appreciates whatever and he was looking at me and he is such a creep.

“Apparently he lives in halls and he’s always cooking and asking people to keep the noise down and trying to smoke weed with them and just, like weirding everyone out. Why is he even here?”

Malley said: “Ah, to be in a seat of learning with young, vital people. I’ve never felt more at home.”