Everyone either on holiday or pissed off

BRITONS are currently either away or brimming with resentment, it has emerged. 

Experts said the nation had been split into two categories, with the ‘left-behinds’ defined by their loathing of the ‘gone-aways’.

Office worker Roy Hobbs said: “It’s like the day after the Rapture here, all the anointed ones have disappeared and only the lowly scumbags like me are left in the hellish tedium of corporate employment.

“Fuck them for their organised approach to holiday application forms.”

Sales executive Nikki Hollis said: “Everyone on my street has gone to lovely places. I am seriously considering breaking into their houses.

“Not to steal anything, just to move furniture around and freak them out. Maybe write the word ‘pricks’ in toothpaste on the bathroom mirror.”

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Red moon turns US communist

AMERICA has become a communist country following the appearance of a red moon.

Dust particles generated by the 1960s Soviet space program caused the crimson appearance of last night’s moon, the symbolic power of which resulted in America declaring itself a collectivist state.

Oklahoma farmer Wayne Hayes said: “This morning I threw out all the religious nicknacks in my house, replacing them with a ten-foot brutalist portrait of Barack Obama. ”

New York was the first city to declare itself Communist, with workers scaling the Statue Of Liberty to paint a Lenin-esque beard on it and Central Park handed over to the government to grow beets and potatoes.

California embraced the doctrines of Marx at 6am GMT, as Hollywood announced a series of four-hour epics starring Vin Diesel and Scarlett Johansson as factory workers battling to meet a tractor production quota.

The Cold War will be restarted by the US after it declared Russia ‘not Communist enough’ and senators have accused Vladimir Putin of failing to violently imprison enough dissidents.

Meanwhile Britain’s left-wing intellectuals have already published an open letter on getting everything they have ever wanted which simply reads “Oh, bollocks.”