Everyone excited about what is essentially a chocolate bar plus two other chocolate bars

BRITONS have been thrilled to receive what amounts to three bars’ worth of chocolate.

Across the country everyone is looking forward to unwrapping big, shiny boxes that contain what is basically a normal chocolate bar melted down and made into a hollow oval, plus a couple of newsagent-standard chocolate bars.

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “There’s nothing like a mass market Easter egg, even if it is the biggest con ever.

“Chocolate tastes so much better when it is shaped, for some reason, like an egg, then encased in rigid plastic alongside two bars of standard chocolate.”

Chocolate company boss Norman Steele said: “They would get more chocolate if they went to Londis and bought four Dairy Milks, plus then they wouldn’t have to cut their hands on unnecessarily tough Easter egg packaging.

“I’m glad they don’t do that though, because then I would have less money.”

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Woman refuses to kiss husband because two days ago he touched bin juice

A WOMAN has banned all physical contact with her husband because he got bin juice on him 48 hours ago. 

Susan Traherne of Harrogate, who actually saw the refuse-exuded slime make contact with husband Barry’s bare arm, admitted that she is replused by the very sight of his corrupted flesh.

She said: “He is no longer my husband. He’s a bin man now.

“That clear substance, sticky and greasy, produced by some abominable rubbish alchemy deep in the kitchen bin’s supercompressed heart, has marked him and its mark cannot be removed.

“Yes he washed it straight away, yes he’s showered twice since but that’s not the point. Some stains are deeper than the skin.

“I might have to ask him to sleep in the spare room. I’ve barely had a wink of sleep worrying he could roll over.”