UK rushes to save Bargain Booze by getting shitfaced

SHOPPERS across the UK are rushing to save their nearest branch of Bargain Booze by getting absolutely hammered. 

On hearing that the off licence chain was in trouble, Britons finished work at lunchtime, cancelled any plans to visit relatives and began downing all the alcohol they could.

Stephen Malley of Loughborough said: “The Booze has given me plenty over the years. Now it’s my turn to give something back.

“This crisis has really brought the community together. Everywhere I look I see fathers, pensioners, young mothers, nuns and even teenagers getting as blitzed as they can and coming back for more.

“Say what you like about us Brits, we’ll always stick up for a friend when the chips are down. It’s like It’s A Wonderful Life with more public urination.

“Now, even though I can barely stand, I’m going to walk in there and buy one more bottle of wine. Because, Bargain Booze, you’re my mate and I fucking love you.”

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UK would still vote for Brexit on basis that nothing happens

BRITONS would still vote for Brexit on the basis that nothing has yet happened or is likely to happen, they have confirmed. 

Everyone agreed that since voting Brexit made little or no difference to the economy or relations with Europe, they might as well since it made them feel good.

Butcher Tom Logan said: “Brexit? What Brexit?

“We can still move anywhere in the EU without restriction, the economy’s still growing, and it looks like we’ll still be paying in exactly the same amount indefinitely.

“Indeed it seems unlikely that Brexit will ever happen, so voting Brexit actually makes no difference to anything at all.

“In that respect it’s very much like voting Conservative, or Labour.”