Woman with fresh manicure begins countdown to buggering it up

A WOMAN with a shiny new manicure has begun her countdown to smudging, chipping or generally ruining it. 

Emma Bradford of Shrewsbury had the £18 manicure at 10am today and, based on previous experience, has high hopes that it will last an incredible eight hours.

She said: “They do an expensive super manicure that doesn’t budge, but I’m not paying the extra. What I’ll do this time is be careful.

“I can open the car door with my elbows, put the seatbelt on with my teeth, and type with all my fingers splayed backwards like the keyboard’s electrified, all of which should see me through until at least lunchtime.”

Bradford then plans to spend the afternoon not touching anything at all, before going home and somehow making herself a meal without using her hands.

She added: “I made it! I can’t believe it! I’m at the bar with a perfect manicure!

“Ah fuck, there’s a massive chip out of it. Never mind. I’m booked in again in a fortnight.”

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Time much less expensive way to heal all wounds than NHS, says Hunt

JEREMY Hunt has announced that the national health service is to be replaced by time, which heals all wounds at no cost to the taxpayer. 

The health minister’s new scheme to beat the NHS crisis is being trialled in Northern constituencies and early projections suggest it will save the government billions.

He said: “You don’t need disinfectant, sterile gauze, a qualified nursing team and an expensive consultant. All you need is time.

“This traditional common-sense approach, relied on for Britons for the centuries before we joined the EU, will soon replace our malfunctioning NHS entirely. Though of course private healthcare will still be available.

“After all, not only does time heal all wounds, time is also a great healer. We’ve been foolish to try and compete.”

Dr Helen Archer, who works in a Birmingham A&E department, said: “Certainly it is true that after a 12 to 18 hour wait, up to 40 per cent of patients no longer require medical attention.

“However, there is a downside.”