Everyone hoping cocktail-juggling barman hurts himself

EVERY single person in a cocktail bar is hoping that the cocktail barman hurts himself, it has been revealed.

Instead of just pouring the ingredients together and shaking them, barman Tom Booker insists on throwing them up behind his back, spinning them and, for reasons that are utterly unclear, balancing them on the back of his hand like a fragile little bird.

Booker’s antics have meant that over 100 people are currently wishing serious injury upon him.

Drinker Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve been waiting so long that I’m more interested in seeing him damaged than getting a drink. Sure, I’d like my daiquiri, but I’d love it if he broke his wrist.”

Hollis’ friend Helen Archer said: “I’d like to grab his throat and shake him like that. Just pour it into the glass and give it to me, dickhead.”

Booker said: “Everyone loves it when I show off my cocktail skills. They always stare at me with this intense look in their eyes the whole time.”

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‘April Fool!’ says Jesus

JESUS has revealed that the whole thing with his betrayal, crucifixion and death was just an elaborate April Fool prank on his disciples. 

Christ secretly staged the entire scenario to trick his twelve followers with the aid of the Roman Empire, who like a laugh as much as anyone.

He said: “Got you. I fucking got you.

“Aw guys honestly you should just see your faces right now. You were so hoodwinked. Leonardo, do a picture of them quickly. Capture this moment.

“I knew if I could fool Thomas I could fool all of you. He was the key. Fake wound, Thomas! Look! Peels right off!

“And hey, how about a big hand for my co-conspirator Judas, yeah? He absolutely sold that shit! Actually, he’s quite hurt that everyone believed it so easily so maybe not.

“Anyone fancy Galilee? Loaves and fishes on me. Oh, and don’t be making out I actually died in your gospels just so you don’t look gullible.”