Everyone learning Spanish actually just looking for a relationship

BRITONS taking Spanish lessons are just doing it to meet someone nice, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that adults taking Spanish evening classes had minimal to zero interest in the country’s language or culture.

49-year-old Spanish evening class attendee Tom Booker said: “I’ve picked up ‘ola’ and ‘por favor’, otherwise I’m mostly focused on the attractive, possibly divorced lady who always sits in the corner.

“I’m going to sit here and listen to people prattling on in this strange foreign tongue until I pluck up the courage to ask her out.”

41-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I decided to learn Spanish because most of my friends are married. Also I quite like paella. Is that Spanish?”

Spanish tutor Emma Bradford said: “It can get frustrating when everyone turns up having not done the homework, then just sits there gazing at each other longingly.

“Actually one of the worst students is pretty hot. Maybe he’s single. I might organise a spurious ‘revision session’ in a local tapas bar.”

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Jeanette Winterson keeping quiet about cat ravioli

WRITER Jeanette Winterson secretly enjoyed a delicious cat-based lunch, it has emerged.

The novelist has already provoked outrage among self-styled ‘animal lovers’ after posting pictures of herself cooking a rabbit that strayed into her garden.

Neighbour Tom Logan said: “I hadn’t seen my cat for a few days, and I was vaguely aware that it had been shitting in her garden.

“Peering into Jeanette Winterson’s kitchen window, I saw a tabby pelt in the bin and a few dozen neat little pasta parcels on the table. I didn’t say anything because I was too scared.

“To be fair the results looked quite appetising. But I certainly won’t be buying any more of her books.”