Wednesday, 12th August 2020

Everyone meets in park to bitch about the twats they live with

ENGLAND has been making the most of the freedom to meet a lone friend in a park to mouth the hell off about their f**khead partners.

Relaxed lockdown rules mean swathes of frustrated couples and flatmates have rushed to the nearest green space to offload eight weeks’ of petty grievances.

Donna Sheridan of Shrewsbury said: “I’ve spoken to my sister on the phone every day, but Dan was always there. I couldn’t really unload about his athlete’s foot and braying laugh and impotence.

“From two metres away, I vented hatred and shared my fantasies about repeatedly bashing him in the face with a brick of bread ruined because he dicked around with my sourdough starter. And it felt so good.”

Sister Sarah admitted: “I hope they relax the rules a bit more soon, so we can meet in groups and I don’t have to be alone on the receiving end of any more of this couples shit.

“I met my mum in the afternoon. I thought it’d be really emotional, but all she did was bang on about what a selfish arsehole my dad is. And also she hates the dog.”