Everyone off the telly to become some sort of 'tsar'

THE government has announced plans to give everyone off the telly an advisory role, because it believes you find that sort of thing impressive.

Under news plans to create several thousand celebrity ‘tsars’, everyone from Keith Chegwin to the fictional character Doctor Who will be advising you on how to live.

A government spokesman said: “People off the telly are not just charismatic, they are clever and kind.

“Celebrities get into being on telly because they want to help others and selflessly improve the world for all mankind, not because they are ego-driven freaks with a desperate need for the love of strangers.”

“Our new famous person appointments include Ross Kemp as masculinity tsar, Joe Swash as cheekiness tsar and Frankie Sandford from The Saturdays as special hair advisor.

“Also the popular television character of Merlin is going to be advising the public on using magic spells to increase workplace productivity.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “The world ‘tsar’ makes these minor celebrities sound like Slavic monarchs.

“I believe that for democracy to function properly, there should be a strong division between the government and the cast of Holby City.

“Perhaps I am just mentally ill.”

Ross Kemp said: “I am looking forward to working with ‘soft’ towns like Cheltenham to make them hard as fuck.”

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I want to indicate that I will gladly engage in physical intimacy

Dear Holly,

There’s a lady at work who has caught my eye, and I want to indicate to her that I will gladly engage in ‘physical intimacy’ with her. However, it’s tough these days for a man to indicate his affections in the workplace without being pulled up for sexual harassment. How can I subtly tell this woman that I want to feel her body next to mine without being slammed with another restraining order?



Dear Bernard,

If you’re after suggestions on how to be tactful, you’ve come to the wrong place. The best thing about being ten-and-three-quarters is that you don’t have to engage with pointless social etiquette. When else in life can you get away with publicly pointing and staring at the morbidly obese? Plus things are so much simpler when it comes to the opposite sex in that Barbie isn’t allowed anywhere near the Millennium Falcon and if she gets caught trying to use it as a beauty salon she’ll be viciously attacked by Spiderman. In other words, boys and girls don’t mix, so give up trying to romance this woman and wipe a massive bogey on her back instead.

Hope that helps,