Everyone to live at work by 2028

THE government has revealed new measures to help you spend all your time doing work.

As well as radically extending school hours, the coalition will demolish your house as part of plans to ensure everyone lives at work by 2028.

David Cameron said: “As we all know, the purpose of life is to do as much work as humanly possible before you die.

“The school day will now start at 5am and finish at 4.59am so that parents can work without the hassle of arranging childcare or seeing their children.

“Workers with kids will receive a monthly postcard with a picture of the child and some generic text about how much fun they’re having, like you get if you adopt an otter at the zoo.

“Another area of concern is public holidays. Christmas is a particular waste of valuable working time, so we’re replacing Christmas Day with Christmas Hour. Similarly, New Year’s Eve will become Two Quick Drinks Then An Early Night Eve.

“Everyone hates commuting and office chairs will be replaced with executive-class aeroplane seats that become comfy beds. You need never leave work – just get iPlayer up on your work computer, plug in your feeding tube and relax for three hours until your next shift.

“We’re abolishing the retirement age, so when you die a panel opens in the floor and the chair tips your corpse into it, like in a James Bond film.

“It’s all about work life balance. Your life is a ‘work life’ –  how do you balance all the work?”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Work is great but we mustn’t lose sight of the really important things, like having more expensive things than others in your social group.”

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‘Bone idle’ gene still eludes scientists

THE discovery of a gene that could cause obesity has caused lazy bastards to demand a DNA-based excuse.

Idle person Julian Cook said: “If overweight people have a genetic get-out clause, lazy people should have one too.

“Surely there must be a scientific reason why I am so fascinated by the sofa and Sky+.”

However Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s possible that laziness evolved as a survival strategy, because those who stayed in the cave looking at the paintings were less likely to be killed by bears.

“But there aren’t any bears now, so get off your fat arse.”