Panda 'had cubs just to get more zoo handouts'

GIANT panda Lun Lun has been accused of exploiting the zoo welfare system after having two cubs in captivity.

Following the birth of twin cubs at a zoo in Atlanta, Republican Tom Logan said: “That’s more bamboo coming straight out of the taxpayer’s pocket.

“I wonder if Lun Lun would have been so fertile in the wild, where no-one’s going to give her a free enclosure with nice foliage and a water feature.

“And I’d like to know where the father is in all this. Probably disappeared back into the mists of some distant jungle to get some other pandas pregnant, I imagine.”

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Oldest sexy calendar gives insight into ancient garage workers

EXPERTS are analysing a 10,000 year old calendar to uncover the erotic preferences of ancient mechanics.

The calendar was discovered in a Scottish field, among the remains of what is believed to be an ancient ‘cart garage’.

It features images of semi-clothed tribal females, realistically rendered in woad.

Historian Donna Sheridan said: “The calendar’s primary function was not to record the date, but to sexually stimulate workers. It was believed that increased penile blood flow boosted strength and efficiency.”

Her colleague Bill McKay added: “I once saw Hustlers ‘Boobs of ’72’ hanging up in uncle’s workshop. This is like that but of greater historical importance.

“We have some information about the tastes and preferences of the ruling class of that time, but next to nothing about the rutting habits of ordinary people who fixed carts.

“Presumably they spent a lot of time staring at the calendars and drinking hot drinks, while taking absolutely ages to fix their customers’ vehicles.”

Archaeologists also found a piece of carved tree bark which they believe is an ancient version of one of those boards you get in pubs where a woman’s breasts are covered by bags of peanuts.