Everything man does is against his better judgement

A MAN has realised that literally every action he takes is against his own better judgement.

Tom Logan, from Bedford, confirmed that he has not made a decision he internally judged to be the right one since 2009, blaming peer pressure and booze.

He continued: “My car broke down, and I found myself thinking that I’d known buying it was a bad idea at the time, but overruled my own perfectly sensible doubts.

“Then I realised I’d similarly ignored my own verdicts on my job, girlfriend, buying a flat and even which shoes to purchase. These don’t fit. I knew they didn’t but the woman in the shop said they’d flex with wear.

“I wonder what’ll happen if I start listening to my own wisdom? Might I have to go to fewer festivals? What other positives will come?

“Then again, on reflection, if I start acting according to my own better judgement I’ll look a right twat for voting Tory and Brexit. Probably easier to keep on being wrong.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Grown man has irrational fear of kids doing wheelies

A MIDDLE-AGED man feels illogically threatened by 13-year-olds larking about on BMXs as if they might do something terrible to him.

Roy Hobbs, 45, is no wimp and has never been challenged by the local youngsters, but nonetheless is weirdly afraid of them, especially when they do wheelies.

Hobbs said: “It’s ridiculous. I know they’re not going to circle round me laughing and jeering, then move in for the kill and pummel me to death with their bikes.

“It’s probably because when I was 11 I felt threatened by 13-year-olds, so 30 years later I’ve still got this silly lingering fear. They’re not really going to do anything horrific to me. Probably.

“There’s something about them doing wheelies in particular, almost as if they’re out of control and slightly feral. I’d be fine if they wore bicycle clips and did left and right hand signals like in cycling proficiency.

“I really must stop this ridiculous paranoid fantasy that they’re going to attack and I’ll never see my family and home again. Oh god. Here they come now. I’d better go.”

When asked if they intended to do Hobbs any harm, the BMX youngsters said, “Who?”