Everything To Be Really Cheap But You'll Have No Money Anyway, Say Experts

PRICES are to fall dramatically over the next 12 months which will be particularly annoying for you as you will have no money, the Bank of England said last night.

The cost of everyday goods, such as petrol and sofas, will drop to the lowest level since 1827, but it won't really matter because you'll be raking through the bins.

Bank economist Julian Cook said: "It is going to be frustrating standing there in your dirty clothes, looking in all those shop windows with a big, sad expression on your face and thinking, 'that is so cheap, if I had some money I could totally afford it'."

Mr Cook advised workers with low job security to start saving now if they wanted to continue to afford occasional luxuries such as protein.

"Those with moderate job security will be able to buy non-specific meat products but they will have to give all their remaining cash to the son-of-a-bitch credit card companies.

"The only people who can really relax and take advantage of these low, low prices are those who work in recession-proof organisations, such as the Treasury or the Bank of England.

"To be honest, I've never been busier. The work is just piling up. But I do plan to reward myself with a new set of golf clubs and a long weekend at Gleneagles, both of which I expect to be an unbelievably good deal."

Mr Cook added: "Of course, Christmas will be difficult. For you. But if you pop round on the 27th I'll give you the cardboard boxes, You may be able to trade them for sausages."

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Call For Increase In Gap-Toothed Inbreds

THE number of babies created from the sperm of a single donor should be increased to boost Britain's quota of gap-toothed inbreds, experts have claimed.

The Institute for Studies said the more babies who have the same father, the more likely it is they will grow-up to have sex with each other, thereby creating a race of dungaree-clad mutants.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Think of it. Thousands of jug-eared banjo twangers and chainsaw-wielding halfwits, as well as an endless supply of guests for the Jeremy Kyle Show.

"He could have an entire channel devoted solely to these big-nosed, squirrel-eating swamp-freaks and their intricately complex social lives. I could watch that all day."

The number of sperm donors has dropped since the removal of anonymity for men who accept money in exchange for ejaculating into a beaker.

Meanwhile there is an ever increasing demand from childless couples determined to start their own horrifyingly shallow gene pool.

Professor Brubaker added: "We could set them all free to live in the woods and build their own strange, introverted societies.

"It would certainly make country walks more interesting and would also be a great place for a stag weekend.

"The fun doesn't really begin until the groom has been stripped, violated and told to squeal like a pig."