PRICES are to fall dramatically over the next 12 months which will be particularly annoying for you as you will have no money, the Bank of England said last night.
The cost of everyday goods, such as petrol and sofas, will drop to the lowest level since 1827, but it won't really matter because you'll be raking through the bins.
Bank economist Julian Cook said: "It is going to be frustrating standing there in your dirty clothes, looking in all those shop windows with a big, sad expression on your face and thinking, 'that is so cheap, if I had some money I could totally afford it'."
Mr Cook advised workers with low job security to start saving now if they wanted to continue to afford occasional luxuries such as protein.
"Those with moderate job security will be able to buy non-specific meat products but they will have to give all their remaining cash to the son-of-a-bitch credit card companies.
"The only people who can really relax and take advantage of these low, low prices are those who work in recession-proof organisations, such as the Treasury or the Bank of England.
"To be honest, I've never been busier. The work is just piling up. But I do plan to reward myself with a new set of golf clubs and a long weekend at Gleneagles, both of which I expect to be an unbelievably good deal."
Mr Cook added: "Of course, Christmas will be difficult. For you. But if you pop round on the 27th I'll give you the cardboard boxes, You may be able to trade them for sausages."