Experts unable to explain why anyone would buy bottled beer in a pub

EXPERTS cannot work out why anyone would buy a small, expensive bottle of beer in a pub.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found no reason to buy a little bottle of beer in an environment where you can get twice as much beer of superior quality for the same price.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Maybe bottled beer drinkers just like the pretty labels, or feel it is useful to be holding a potential weapon in the event of a sudden brawl.

“Other than that, we are at a loss. Perhaps there’s some deep psychological reason to do with bottles looking a bit like penises, or being able to scratch off the labels to relieve sexual tension.

“People buying bottled beer in pubs is one of mankind’s great unsolved mysteries, like the Marie Celeste or who built those Inca temples with the weird UFO pictures.”

Bottled beer fan Stephen Malley said: “I’ll sometimes have something called a ‘Birra Morretti’ which is a mediocre foreign lager that works out at six quid for half a pint.

“I think it dates back to when I was 13 and thought bottles of Budweiser were incredibly cool even though ‘Bud’ tastes of nothing but marketing.”

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Couple having Disneyland wedding 'not ready for marriage'

A COUPLE who have chosen Disneyland Paris as their wedding venue are probably not prepared for the reality of actual marriage, friends have agreed. 

22-year-old Donna Sheridan and her fiance Nathan Muir, aged 27, told friends they picked the theme park to seal their relationship because it is ‘wonderful and magical and everyone is always happy, just like us.’

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I asked her if she had any doubts, and she said she’d almost called the wedding off when she found out Sorcerer Mickey couldn’t perform the ceremony, but after crying for four days she got over it.

“They’ve got ‘hakuna matata’, ‘just keep swimming’ and ‘to infinity and beyond’ in the fucking vows, and they think they’re ready for a lifelong commitment?

“This is a travesty of marriage. It’s a joke marriage. It makes all marriages cheaper.”

The bride said: “Our lives together are going to be a fairytale so what better place to begin than the Magic Kingdom?

“It’ll be just like my favourite movie, Beauty and the Beast. Nathan does look a bit like a bison, maybe he’ll revert to his true handsome form when we kiss.”