YOU’RE having a party. But there’s a snag – you’ve got guests from ‘Oop North’ who may feel out of their depth, socially inferior and in need of a bath. Here’s how to spare them embarrassment.
Speak to them in Northern, or as close as you can get to it
Your cultivated Home Counties tones will make your Northern guests feel ill-bred. Affect a Northern accent of your own, making them feel ‘tha’s reet at home’. Watch 1960s TV dramas featuring Southern actors bravely doing Northern accents and learn authentic working class speech, eg. ‘It’s simply inexcusable that Rupert is late home from t’pit, eh oop.’
Ask them about their pigeons
Every Northerner has them. They’re kept in lofts, although they are different to your loft conversion with a Peloton because they’re full of feathers and bird shit. If they strangely don’t have pigeons they will own a kestrel. It’s a wonderful ice breaker.
Pour ketchup over any food you offer them
Whether it’s Italian, Thai or French cuisine you are serving, they will want lashings of ketchup with it but may be too embarrassed to ask. To spare their blushes, simply dollop the ghastly stuff on any meal you serve in advance. Provide them with a range of Iceland-style dips such as curry sauce, HP Sauce and mushy peas if you’re serving canapes.
Introduce them to wine
The North of England is exclusively beer-drinking territory, with such coarse brews as Fugglestons, Cleckbastard and Brass Tit the most popular. Get them to try wine. They’ll be wary at first, perhaps thinking they’re meant to pour it on their chips, but it might add a certain refinement to their lives. You’ll have weaned them off hare coursing and onto nights at the theatre in no time.
Explain that the lavatory is located indoors
Show them upstairs. Point out other features such as the soap dish and air freshener. Otherwise, expect your garden shed to be urinated, or even defecated, in.
