Explain that the lavatory is located indoors: How to put your Northern guests at ease

YOU’RE having a party. But there’s a snag – you’ve got guests from ‘Oop North’ who may feel out of their depth, socially inferior and in need of a bath. Here’s how to spare them embarrassment.

Speak to them in Northern, or as close as you can get to it

Your cultivated Home Counties tones will make your Northern guests feel ill-bred. Affect a Northern accent of your own, making them feel ‘tha’s reet at home’. Watch 1960s TV dramas featuring Southern actors bravely doing Northern accents and learn authentic working class speech, eg. ‘It’s simply inexcusable that Rupert is late home from t’pit, eh oop.’

Ask them about their pigeons

Every Northerner has them. They’re kept in lofts, although they are different to your loft conversion with a Peloton because they’re full of feathers and bird shit. If they strangely don’t have pigeons they will own a kestrel. It’s a wonderful ice breaker.

Pour ketchup over any food you offer them

Whether it’s Italian, Thai or French cuisine you are serving, they will want lashings of ketchup with it but may be too embarrassed to ask. To spare their blushes, simply dollop the ghastly stuff on any meal you serve in advance. Provide them with a range of Iceland-style dips such as curry sauce, HP Sauce and mushy peas if you’re serving canapes.

Introduce them to wine 

The North of England is exclusively beer-drinking territory, with such coarse brews as  Fugglestons, Cleckbastard and Brass Tit the most popular. Get them to try wine. They’ll be wary at first, perhaps thinking they’re meant to pour it on their chips, but it might add a certain refinement to their lives. You’ll have weaned them off hare coursing and onto nights at the theatre in no time.

Explain that the lavatory is located indoors

Show them upstairs. Point out other features such as the soap dish and air freshener. Otherwise, expect your garden shed to be urinated, or even defecated, in.

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You'll never believe what this caterpillar looks like now!

SEE this caterpillar? The iconic larval stage insect is unrecognisable after emerging from a chrysalis.

It has been five weeks since caterpillar Donna Sheridan was last seen munching on a cabbage leaf in an allotment, and fans cannot get over the radical makeover she has been through since then.

Follower Martin Bishop said: “I’d heard reports that Donna had gone into a downward spiral and retreated into a hard casing spun from silk, so I never expected to see her looking like this. Wow.

“Gone are the thoracic segments and anal claspers that defined her previous look. In their place are these two bright orange wings with contrasting black, net-like veins, which make her appear younger and more beautiful. How did she do it?

“It’s going to be so embarrassing when she ends up on The Graham Norton Show and he digs out old photos of her in caterpillar form. ‘Look at all those stubby little legs!’ he’ll say. ‘What were you thinking?’ She’ll take it on the chin though because she’s gorgeous now.

“I just hope she remembers where she came from and continues to eat flowers and vegetables. Those are the crowd-pleasing routines that got her where she is today.”