Extra lessons are Osbornes revenge against kids who called him peckerhead

PLANS to extend the school day are George Osborne’s revenge against some kids who called him ‘peckerhead’, it has emerged.

Lessons will now continue past 3.30pm after the chancellor was subjected to the sort of juvenile abuse that is hard to respond to without setting yourself up for more piss-taking.

Osborne said: “I was getting into my ministerial car when some little shit shouted out ‘Knobber!’ and all his mates laughed. I tried to laugh it off in a pathetic way but that just encouraged them.

“Soon the air was filled with high-pitched cries of ‘wanker’, ‘peckerhead’ and – confusingly – ‘tosshead’.

“I felt a burning sense of humiliation for not just telling them to fuck off, but also a powerful desire for revenge.

“All children will be punished with extra lessons. And not just easy stuff like art, I mean cosines and boring Viking poems.

“We’ll see who’s laughing when they’re still doing maths at 4.30pm and I’m sitting at home watching Horrible Histories with a big glass of squash.”

Primary school pupil Wayne Hayes said: “Punishing all children is an abrogation of the inalienable principles of justice, although these extra vocabulary lessons seem to be paying off.

“I will definitely think twice before calling a random stranger a ‘donger’ again.”

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Snakes celebrate being driven out of Ireland

SNAKES across the world are celebrating the day St Patrick drove them out of Ireland to live in lovely hot countries.

Anacondas in the Amazon, rattlesnakes in Reno and copperheads in Canberra are all raising a glass to the man who led them from the dark, wet place of weirdly cold summers to their promised lands.

Inland taipan Tom Logan said: “Every year we gather and tell the story of St Patrick, who cast us out of the gloom of Ireland to shores kissed with sunshine and abundant non-tuber food sources.

“We drink a ritual Guinness to remind us, with its absolutely vile taste, of the awful fate we are blessed to have escaped.

“I pity anyone left behind. They must have suffered terribly after he cursed them to remain there.

“Still, not my problem, I’m a snake.”